i smoke more than a magic show

– Racists must love ordering wine at restaurants.

Waiter: …sir, would you like the red or the white?

Racist: Oh, you know damn well I want the WHITE!

“This bitch asked if I’d rather have vanilla or chocolate mousse. Like, what bitch??????? Ha! White people these days.”

– There was a woman on the subway that was absolutely crazy. She was an older black woman that had a voice that sounded much like Lil’ Wayne’s. She was wearing a tube top that left her large stomach exposed. The stomach, mind you, had a large scar that was most obviously the remnants of a terribly performed C-Section. To make matters worse, Weezy was ranting at the top of her lungs and speaking to people that weren’t there. The most pronounced topic of fictitious conversation was that a man in long johns took her baby from her. Now, tell me about your morning commute.

– Carrying a brand new iMac box in a city  is a lot like walking a cute dog. Covetous looks and attracted glances aplenty.

“He’s so cuteeee! Where’d you get him? What kind is he? You must be responsible.”

Clever Terrorism: fill a Mason jar with mosquitoes and open it in a crowded movie theater.

– Is it just me or are guys just not that into cars anymore? The average guy on the street, if polled, probably doesn’t know shit about engines or even how to change their own oil. What happened to the exuberant greasers and hot rodders that once defined a whole sect of masculinity to the point where automobiles became, “a guy thing”?

– How is cockpit not a slang term for vaginas?

– When my coworker is away from his desk, I would love to plug his headphones in then open up a porn video on full blast. I would then minimize the video and await his return. When he gets settled, I would unplug his headphones and have the entire office hear the soundings of a porn star in the throes of passion. That would be  too good. I’d probably be fired but it may be worth it.

– Transcendentalism sounds like a really contemplative field of oral medicine.

“Science does not know its debt to imagination…. okay, mint or bubblegum flouride?”

– I’m gonna start a Tumblr called “The Itty Bitty Titty Committee” and post daily pictures of celebrities with small breasts. Why? Why not? Celebrities need to be alienated for their unchangeable features too!

Exhibit A

– British people must really hate vacationing in Boston. The whole city’s tourism bureau is built on the principal that the British were awful people that were driven from town after oppressing the population and inciting a bloody war that killed many of Massachusetts’ sons.  Alienation is an understatement when an English person passes by a souvenir shop only to see Paul Revere wiping his ass with the Union Jack.

– Airport workers found on the tarmac must love going to raves after their shift.

“Tiesto has arrived!!!!!”

– Once I landed in Rome, I was picked up by a private car. A long journey over, I was glad to rest in the back seat for a little while before arriving at my hotel. The driver gets in, turns the key and the radio begins blasting Nickleback. Excellent.

– Conformism runs rampant at airport baggage claims. It’s a sad sight to witness people pick up and inspect other travelers luggage to see if it is actually theirs. Forethought is not the strong suit of most Americans. Sure, buy luggage that looks identical to everyone else’s  Nah, don’t add a discernable characteristic to your bag to make identification faster and easier. Yeah, please pick up my bag because you are too stupid to plan ahead.

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