if a girl got a voice than she talkin’ bout me

– If I could describe the way I ascend a staircase in one word, it would be: assault. (e.g. Mike assaulted that staircase just now)

on my way to work

– There are few things I hate more than when people water down a bottle of hand soap. It’s just a disgusting, disgusting feeling. Just go buy another bottle! I don’t wanna go soap-up and have some cold ass water trickle through the cracks of my fingers. In essence, this may be more disgusting than the feeling I get from the communal toilet I just got up from.

– Whenever someone breaks up with their boyfriend/girlfriend of a long time, I am never sure exactly how to console them. It is hard to gauge where they stand on things like, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that……….or……congratulations?”

“Oh, man that sucks. How are you holding up?” or “Yeah!? Congrats! Back on the prowl, eh? Honestly, she was kind of a bitch to me.”

– Remember when you would be at the school water fountain, enjoying yourself while quenching your thirst? Remember, like clockwork, some dick from behind you would shout something like, “Hey! SAVE SOME FOR THE WHALES!”

A: What a stupid, dare I say, nerdy thing to say to someone. What 13 year old gives a legitimate fuck about whales in a Suburban Maryland middle school? I didn’t know that bullies had such a soft spot for deep sea creatures.

B: Why was I never fast enough to retort, “Hmmm, well…whales live in the salty ocean and have absolutely no interest in this fluoride rich fresh water. In all honesty if I did, in fact, save this water for the whales as you so eloquently demanded, they would die almost immediately.”

– Speaking of water fountains, ya know how when you first start drinking it is really cold then, you hear the machine kick on, and the water becomes noticeably warmer? I hate that.

– To blind people the Fourth of July must be a very alienating time of year. “Hey Mark, why aren’t you wearing any Red, White and Blu….oh.” or “Hey Mark, are you getting excited for the firewor….oh.”

Blind Guy: “Describe them to me!” Other Guy: “It’s…….a lot of…light and color……………ya know what I mean?”

– As the subway doors opened on a platform that wasn’t mine, I spied the word “SEMEN” etched into the tiles. Interesting word choice for a vandal, don’t you think? I would more likely suspect that they would have chosen the more brash version of “JIZZ” or “CUM” but, for some reason, they chose the medical terminology. It won’t be long before I see someone spray paint “FECAL MATTER” or “URINATION” onto the side of a building.

– While at Starbucks this morning, I watched a guy take a wooden stirrer for his iced coffee and mix his drink up. Then, he threw this wooden stirrer into the trash can. Then, he grabbed a straw and put it into his iced coffee. What a douche. It’s like, dog, you just used twice as many resources than was necessary. His straw could have acted as both stirrer and delivery device but nay, this wasteful glutton needed to quench his insatiable thirst for raw materials. Your grandchildren thank you.

Keep it up guy at Starbucks….keep it up.

– When a vulture dies in the wild, what do his friends and family do? Do they fly over his body in memoriam or do they fly over his body like some hungry ass cannibal motherfuckers?

– Did anybody else notice that they used  “Without Me” in the trailer for Despicable Me 2?? When that song came out if you told me it would be on the big screen promoting an animated children’s movie I would have quoted Eminem himself and said, “Sometimes I feel like loadin’ this rifle and climbin’ the roof at night and hidin’ outside to snipe you.” Here it is in case you missed it:

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