she thinks my tractor’s mildly sexy

– Last night my roommate and I had a discussion about cockroaches and, sure enough, I had a lengthy dream about cockroaches. Tonight, my roommate and I will have a long discussion about a nude Kate Middleton and hope for the best.

– Spontaneous people shouldn’t work at bus stations.

And just like that, before his afternoon shift, Alex decided, “What the hell?” and was off for Memphis.

– I was in a pinch and  received a pair of headphones at work. The bitch of it was, they were just about half an inch too short to reach the bottom of my pocket. That means I had to arc my neck in order to walk and listen simultaneously . What designer at the factory botched that one? In my desperation I settled on a quick solution, I pulled my pants up.

Note to Self: Open a Chinese restaurant that is also the name of an infamously lethal

– I always thought The Beastie Boys song, “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” was about staying up and raging in BK. Now when I think about it, the song makes Brooklyn seem like a place where one would, in actuality,  go to sleep immediately. For example, if I said No Sleep Till Bedroom you would immediately think, “Man, he’s gonna stay up all night and rage BUT when he gets to that, he’s gonna sleep well.” Therefore, Brooklyn seems like a pretty comfortable place to be.

– The company that makes the teleconferencing software called Go To Meeting doesn’t have a HQ because every employee is encouraged to work remotely.

Curl Up and Dye: the best name for a hair salon I have ever encountered.

what the waiting room looks like.

– Am I supposed to believe that people with amazing Afro’s can sleep on a pillow the same way as you or I do?

– I always like when paranormal investigators arrive to inspect a house for ghostly activity and they always taunt the shit out of the spirits. They yell at them, saying they aren’t afraid, asking them to throw things, etc. I’m fairly confident that that isn’t how ghosts work.  Ghosts don’t give a shit if you cajole them, you gotta be a scared little bitch that just wants to relax. That’s when the ghost will come out. Not when you’re like, “FUCKING PUT YOUR HANDS ON ME! SHOW YOURSELF YOU COWARD!! MOVE SOMETHING!”

– I was trying to open some images on my computer and the screen began blinking rapidly. Then, a box popped up that simply said, “Catastrophic Failure”. That’s up there with one of the more frightening things I have been told by a machine recently. I envision that kind of warning popping up on the computer screen of a Bond film henchman.

“Catastrophic Failure???? She must have changed the access cod…oh, wait. Nope, it’s just in a zip file. I got it. I got it now. Sorry, everyone.”

– You know you are in a strong relationship when you are able to use your Jewish girlfriend’s Netflix account to watch a NatGeo documentary on the Aryan Brotherhood.

– If a Sailor was in court, would they be tried in front of a jury of their piers?

“He doesn’t seem like the type that would walk all over you.”

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