relatively irrelevant

Covering Fire: whenever someone uses a loud hand dryer in a silent bathroom that safely and effectively masks the sound of your shitting from reaching everyone else’s ears.

“Go, go, go!!!! Now, now, now!! Shit, shit, shit!!”

For Goodness Snakes!: the name of my fictional reptile shop.

– “Good Nitrous.”: What Vin Diesel’s fictional character from Fast and the Furious would say to his kids when he tucks them in at night.

The face Vin makes when he realizes all ten of his fingers have actually punctured this child’s rib cage.

– My friend the other day unintentionally jumbled his words and ended up saying, “The sink is shipping”. This became less funny once I realized he works in the mail room at Delta Faucets.

“Your ship is sinking. I mean… haha, I jumbled my words. Sorry, sir. Your order has been processed your new faucet will arrive shortly.”

– How the hell does Iggy Pop stay so jacked? Someone answer this.

“Hi, I’m SIXTY-SIX.”

– I can’t figure out what kind of person thinks it’s a good use of time to comment on YouTube videos. Do something else for Christ’s sake. No matter what you could possibly have to say it is, and will always be, of no consequence to anyone. Ever.

– Ya know that Jay-Z lyric in NY State of Mind when he says, “MDMA got you feelin’ like a champion – The city never sleeps, better slip you an Ambien“? I bet the people over at Ambien headquarters fuckin’ BALLED OUT when that song was released.

“Yipieee! Wahooo! Yayyy!”

– It is an unfortunate situation to realize your shoe is untied while standing on the floor of an especially disgusting urinal.

– There are some people on Facebook in their mid-twenties that post shit that makes me want to caption, “Must be nice to have rich parents and no semblance of real responsibility. Enjoy your vacation…again.”

– As cell phone users get increasingly foolish and ignorant of their surroundings, apps like iAshTray will start coming out. For 99 cents you can download the app and extinguish your butts on your phone screen whenever and wherever you want!

“Hey wait, is this an ashtray? Or… nawwwwww this is an iPhone 5. What are you guys pulling a prank on me? This is incredible! I mean, I’ve heard of the iUrinalCake but this?…c’mon.”

– I saw a little girl on the train wearing a redundant t-shirt that said “BFF’s Forever.” Needless to say, I LOL’d out loud.

– For guys, throwing away torn underwear is like saying goodbye to an old friend and/or an extra day or two before you are forced to do laundry again.

– I was naive enough to ask my NYC dry cleaner that doesn’t know me, “Any luck with that stain?”

Dude was like, “ummm, was that a joke?”

– This CBS blackout on Time Warner Cable is bad for them but GREAT for Fox, ABC and NBC. They are all like…

– Kids of tomorrow won’t be able to relate to static. They will only know pixellated skipping and pausing. The days of scrambled porn just might be over. Sad.


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