cleaning up for the maid

11 10 2013

– Does anyone else find it interesting that, out of the countless atrocities committed against Native Americans in this country past and present, the one issue anyone seems to give a fuck about are offensive sports team logos? How about we as a country address the rampant alcoholism  and depression terrorizing native communities? How about we discuss the constant erosion of native land and culture and way of life? Instead, we only care about what image gets put onto sweatpants and decorative cupholders.

"racism is, like, bad you guys."

“racism is, like, bad you guys.”

– Who doesn’t love the expression, “I’m going to play Devil’s advocate”? Now, imagine the hilarity that would ensue if there was actually a theatrical play entitled “Devil’s Advocate”? Imagine two friends discussing their nightly plans, this would be their conversation:

A: What are you doing tonight?

B: Oh, I forgot to mention, I’m going to the play Devil’s Advocate.

A: {misheard} Is that so? Well, I don’t see what you mean.

B: What?

A: You’re going to play Devil’s Advocate?

B: Yeah, why?

A: You just said you were going to play Devil’s Advocate. What is there to play?

B: Oh! It’s a great story about two guys that have differing opinions. I’ll let you know more later.

A: No, you can’t play Devil’s Advocate later. It’s kind of an “in-the-moment” thing.

B: Um, Devil’s Advocate doesn’t begin until 8:30 so you’re out of luck.

A: Well let me PLAY Devil’s Advocate for a second.

B: You want to!? That would be so much fun! We can go at the same time.

I want this song to be playing everytime I step outside:

– You know your weekend is going pretty well when you’re able to randomly watch Men In Black AND Men in Black II on two different networks on two different days. That’s life.

– Pipedream:  Hoping the letter “O” and the number “0” will one day be interchangeable on a keyboard.

Rhetorical Strategies by Mike: I like to send work emails late in the day because it signifies to my clients that I have been SO busy that I am just now getting to them.

– How is it that the phrase, “I’m feeling under the weather” doesn’t apply to everyone every second of everyday?

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– I posed this hypothetical situation to my girlfriend: “Let’s say that I stabbed someone but they survived and were in stable condition. I then took refuge in your apartment but the police knew we were associates so they came to your door asking if I was here. What would you do?” She said she’d snitch on me! My own girlfriend would turn me into the cops! The dude is hypothetically still alive!

– When people experience ghosts in haunted houses they always have a feeling of, “being watched.” This sensation almost always equates to an eerie sense of dread for the new homeowner. Now, what if the new tenant actually has an odd voyeurism fetish and finds the feeling of being watched erotic in a very niche sexual way.

“I guess I’m alone now. I guess I’ll take my top off. You like that, ghost? How about I take off my pants? It’s cold in here, brrrr.”

–  I had some leftover porterhouse from a famous Steakhouse that I was going to crush at my office for lunch. I took a few bites of this delicately prepared steak and, just as I begin to go nuts on it, my colleague comes over and starts to chat me up. Nothing pressing or work related, she was just shooting the shit. I kept looking down longingly at my steak, clearly disappointed that my precious few moments of deliciousness were put on hold. I wanted to interrupt her and say something to the effect of,  “I…uh..I’m sorry to cut you off but……………..I’m eating a steak.”

– I wanna remix Robbie Williams’ famous song “Millenium” for the Vitamin and Supplement community and call it “Selenium”. There’s a market for that.

“Keeping cancer far awayyyyyyyyyy. SELENIUM!!!!”

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