chivalry is walking dead

– If Bruce Banner wasn’t a  genius-scientist turned super hero, he would have had an easy in-road to the custom signage business.

“So come on down to Bruce’s Banners – full color options and high gloss canvas for jobs ranging from small to downright enormous!”

– Halloween costumes are always great when they are mashed up. Don’t just be a robot, be a robot with a speech impediment. Don’t settle on being a nurse, be a nurse with an axe through her head. Next year, I encourage someone to buzz half of their hair and dress as a Skeleton and call themselves a “Skrille-ton.” I’m full of ideas here people.

– I was at the doctor and was relating how sometimes, when I get bug bites in my sleep (long story), I often wake up as if, “from a feverish nightmare.” When the doctor looked mildly creeped out I said, “Forgive me for my description, I’ve been reading a lot of Gothic Romanticism recently. {longggggggg pause}.”   Who says shit like that?

– I watched a teenaged-Indian-hoodlum on the train today hawk a loogie from his seat and spit it onto the platform. As he did so, it landed one inch from an old man’s shoes as he walked past. Collectively confused and disgusted, the man  and everyone on the train looked at the guy like, “Are you FUCKING kidding me?” The hoodlum proceeded to ride the train two more stops, freely dropping the “N” bomb  with his black friend.


– Pig Latin: great name for a Mexican restaurant specializing in carnitas.

– I was washing my hands in a public bathroom as another man approached to dry his hands in the dryer situated above and to the right of my sink. The dryer, one of those high powered blowers, proceeded to shoot the man’s water from his hands and onto mine. The cold drizzle of another person’s hands is up there on my, “things I didn’t know I had to hate” list.  I wish that didn’t happen.

– Whenever I go to see a movie I invariably end up getting coaxed into buying a literal bucket of popcorn for only $1 more. The allure of this purchase is, “Hey, I get refills.” Movie houses capitalize on this because they know that most people are either too engaged with the trailers, too deep in their seats, or too far into the film to exit and stand in  the longest line imaginable yet again. I think that we as people and customers need to turn the tables on the establishment. I want to invent a giant tray, preferably glow in the dark that says, “Popcorn Refill Run”  – People can put their buckets in the tray and someone goes to refill them all. Bam, bankrupting cinemas one bucket at a time. Everyone will know when it is time to make another run because an undisclosed Rage Against the Machine song will play for a few seconds.


– Living in New York is pretty great but, a lot of times, the sheer number of people can be a little tiresome. Not so much that it’s too much to handle it’s just, at some times, you kind of wish there weren’t a million people around. The times when you can get solitude are pretty rare and always welcome. My sister and I went to see a movie late one night during the week and the theatre was relatively empty. Bonus! We were pretty happy but then, just as the film was about to begin, two people walk in and sit directly behind us. They had the entire theatre and they wanted the seats right behind us. Fuck them. Would you go to an empty beach and set your towel down next to the only other people?

Similarly, I was in Portland walking down the side of a mountain. It was very serene and peaceful but, as we were walking down, a man walks up behind us and essentially clips at our heels the entire walk down. It’s like,  “DUDE, we are trying to fucking enjoy this walk and you are annoying the fuck out of us!!” Some people have no regard or sheer concept of personal space.

Also, yesterday on a crowded train I could feel this dudes breath on my neck. My reaction to this lack of space is that I get so uncomfortable I can actually feel my body temperature rising, sweat forming on my forehead, and my muscles tensing up. I guess I need to move to Montana or something.

“Go somewhere else, bro.”

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