the future is an ever-retreating mirage

– Since Hershey’s is a chocolate company that sounds like two female pronouns, I want to start a vanilla company called Hishim’s. 

– Don’t you hate when you go to watch news videos online (CNN, BBC, NBC) and they always play an ad before it starts? This kind of capitalist trickery I expect with YouTube, but the news?? Can’t I just watch an Obama speech without a Virgin Atlantic short film playing first?

– So, I got a bump on my head after waterskiing over the summer. The bump hasn’t really gone down and, since it’s November, I am growing a bit concerned. I went to a general doctor to have him take a look at it and hopefully address the issue. He takes one look and says, “Yeah, that’s something a plastic surgeon is gonna have to care of for you.”

Dismayed, I realize I just came to this doctor for nothing and am going to have to pay for his services. Noting my dejection, the doctor says, “Ya know what….since I wasn’t able to help we can call this visit your ‘free annual physical’ and no charge is necessary.” Doctor doin me a solid! Apparently most insurance plans offer this and it would save me a good amount of money. Naturally, I was like, “Hell yeah let’s do that!”

There was a long pause and then the doctor said, “So….you uhhh…wanna get that physical??” Having come into the office for a bump on my head, I wasn’t really mentally prepared to disrobe and have a man I just met inspect my genitals. It just wasn’t in the cards for me. I said,  “Ummm, ya know what. I think I’m good.” Like a car salesman of physicals he was like, “Are you sure? I mean, you’re here and it’s free.” While I hate passing up a good bargain, I stuck to my guns and passed.

– Chefs smoking outside of their restaurants is like a hotel maid shitting in your bathroom, not washing her hands, and then making your bed.

“Don’t mind the smell, it’ll dissipate.”

– When did it become acceptable for TV actors that have only played one character to become “authors” and write books. Really, Mindy Kaling? Really, Nick Offerman? You’re an actor. David Sedaris is an author. John Steinbeck is an author. Bram Stoker is an author. You got lucky at a casting call once and now we have to accept and ‘respect’ your artistic expression in the form of a novel? Furthermore, your books are merely offshoots of the fictional character(s) that made you popular in the first place and, seemingly, reflect little of the completely different person you are in real life.

For example, read this summary of Offerman’s recent foray into literature: “Growing a perfect moustache, grilling red meat, wooing a woman—who better to deliver this tutelage than the always charming, always manly Nick Offerman, best known as Parks and Recreation’s Ron Swanson? Combining his trademark comic voice…”

Hmmm, that sounds an awful lot like………oh yeah, that one guy you’ve played on TV. The book should have been called, “If Ron Swanson was Real!” or “One Actor Profiting from a Character Someone Else Fully Developed for Him.” Sadly, the American people either can’t see the difference or just don’t care.

– When I see a dog on the street with one of those dog coats or blankets to keep it warm in the winter, I automatically view that dog as a little bitch-ass dog.  Upon further reflection, I now believe that it is, in fact, the owner that is the bitch-ass.

this dog’s owner is driving to the nearest Starbucks to get the dog’s morning Ethos.

– Isn’t it always awkward when someone starts to tell you something and you realize that YOU were the one that told them that? “I heard somewhere that __________” or “Did you know that_______?” I never initially intend for it to be a put down but, halfway through my interjection, I realize I’m making them feel like shit in an aggressive manner.  “Um, YES I KNOW, BITCH. You’d be NOWHERE without me! I told YOU that.”

– A Geisha or a Gay Shah?

“Welcome to the palace, baby.”

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