it’s just another trap

– I want to watch a spin off of Dirty Jobs called Sterile Jobs where we follow a host that visits clean rooms at NASA, hospitals, baby nurseries, laboratories and the like. As a requisite, the host would have to be completely hairless.

Dirty Jobs: an upcoming documentary on Steve Jobs’ sexual fetishes.

When asked about this picture, Jobs said, “Ya know, I remember during this photo shoot my fly was down and I was actually inside the monitor. The guys were crackin’ up but I was pretty aroused.”

– I was walking down the street  towards work when, no joke,  a complete stranger turned around and said,  “OH MY GOD!!!  I thought you were about to strangle me to death!”

Strangle him to death?? That guy really jumped to conclusions. Yes, I was walking with a coat on. No, I was not about to murder a stranger in broad daylight outside of my office building. After his irrational and, dare I say, embarassing exclamation we laughed and I told him that I’d at least have the decency to wait until Friday. Plus, strangling? Who does that? What is this, 1873? I would most definitely have stabbed him to death. 

– To those that have their Instagram set to private…you’re not that important.

– Nicki Minaj’s new perfume bottle looks like an ugly robot man in drag.

“Now YOU can smell like foolishness too!”

– It seems everything Kanye West says is inevitably followed up by some jackass that decides to write, “An Open Letter” to him. Noone gives a fuck about you or how offended you are. Kanye West could go to the doctor and say, “how much is the copay?” and soon we’ll get, “A Receptionists Open Letter to Kanye West.” Kanye could ask someone for the time and soon we’ll see, “A Watch Owner’s Open Letter to Kanye West.”

Look people, the man says and does outlandish shit. Also, the man is an arrogant, rich, narcissist that is infinitely famous and actually gains strength when met with opposition in any form. So, you think you’re proving a point by calling him out when, in actuality, you are throwing gasoline onto an incredibly successful fire.

“A French Baker’s Open Letter to Kanye West.”


– “I’m pixelated!”: what computers say when they are really happy.

“Yeah girl I got a floppy disk now but I’m fixin to get hard drive.”

– homo: hatred of missing out.

– I want to write a commercial for noise cancelling headphones set in a haunted house. The character would be sitting in a chair on Netflix and all around the house we would hear feet stomping, doors slamming, glass breaking, spirits moaning, etc. The guy wouldn’t care and would actually be watching a cutesy video about kittens or something.

“With Bose, you can tune out those pesky unwanted noises from the undead so you can get back some of the things you love about the living.”

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