i’m a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes

Lick my Pushy!: rejected slogan for Push Pops in the 90’s.

– Remember how Wilson in Home Improvement always said, “Hidey-ho neighbor!” to Tim Allen? Well, if you replace the hyphen with a comma it really changes the meaning.

“Hidey, Ho neighbor. How about I just move on down to the hole in the fence over there and throw you a 20.”

– When the pilot turns off the fasten seatbelt sign they always recommend that you stay buckled in your seat just to be safe. Wouldn’t it be nice if, when the light went off, people just stood up and started mingling with each other until a 60’s dance party inevitably broke out?

“HI! I’m in 13F how about you???” “Right on! I’m connecting in Phoenix!”

– I want to establish an Arabic restaurant and call it The Middle Feast.

– I would love to watch a spinoff of The Bachelor that featured Johann Sebastian Bach called The Bachelor.

“Yo girl, I’m Johann. I like music and am looking for a woman that doesn’t get jeal when I spend time with my twenty children.”

– As always, NYC is a wasteland of unwanted and discarded Christmas trees that pollute  and congest the fine streets of this thriving boomtown.  If there is one upside, the piney freshness provides an excellent alternative for homeless men to piss in.

– I was in line at a Radio Shack the other day listening to a god awful Justin Beiber song over the loudspeaker that sounded like two robots losing their dignity. Noticing that Radio Shack has a system where you can control the music yourself and, seeing as I was in line anyway, I decided to stroll over to the machine and push pause. Radio Shack, previously filled with the sound of bullshit, was now extremely silent. After a welcomed break, I found the only song on their list I wouldn’t mind hearing: Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal.

The line recedes and it is my turn to checkout. The cashier, who happened to be an effeminate gay black man, took my credit card and noticed I hadn’t signed the back (as if that is what’s going to stop a criminal). He makes one of those faces like it’s a huge inconvenience and relates that Radio Shack requires me to now answer a bunch of questions confirming my identity. The man, noticing my subtle frustration, got a twinkle in his eye and says, “Ya know what though…..{whispers while maintaining eye contact} I can trust anyone that puts on Michael.”

thanks for the respect cashier, it meant a lot.

– Whenever I see a commercial and it flashes “actor portrayal” on the bottom of the screen I can’t help but screaming at the TV, “LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!!” I’ll bet those a-holes on the Lumosity.com commercials haven’t even been on the site. Aren’t you late for an audition you POSER!?!

– Is it just me, or has the plot device of the, “midnight snack” really fallen off in popularity? It almost seems that it was really popular in the 90’s when sitcom dads couldn’t sleep and would, for some reason, have to sneak into their own kitchen late in the night. Cartoonishly, this character would be eating something like cake or a turkey leg and would get caught by their significant other. It was always like, “Mitch! What are you doing down here??? It’s midnight!” [cue laugh track].

“I didn’t mean to wake you honey! Speaking of honey, I can’t seem to find it anywhere. [cue laugh track]”

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