10 reasons why you need 10 reasons to read a list of 10 reasons

19 03 2014

– Angie’s Pissed: what happens when the Angie’s List founder gets upset.

– I like to envision that the office of a free porn website resembles that of a high-stress newspaper. The editor is screaming from his office as phones are ringing off the hook, mail carts swipe past and people are working furiously in business casual clothing. The editor screams, “Jenkins!! Where’s my locker room sequence????? Andrea, where is the mother-daughter threesome piece that you promised me before lunch?? And Murray, for Christ’s sake where do we stand with the WebCam subscriptions?? I need some CONTENT here people!!!”

“You think you’ll ever make it on Brazzers with this kind of material??? Fix it!”

– When professional gamblers and poker players are feeling corny, I bet they love using the expression, “If I was a betting man…” whenever the occasion strikes.

“If I was a betting man I’d say that Heineken was for me….OH WAIT.”

– Have you ever been so desperate for an air freshener in someone else’s bathroom that you lathered up your hands with soap and waved them around? Just me?

– Facebook somehow has this odd cosmic power over me when I’m trying to be productive. I’ll be doing work or looking something up when, inexplicably, Facebook opens on my computer screen. How did this happen? How did I get here? I was just on here not 4 minutes ago.

The worst is when you open Facebook, look through it, close it, open another tab, and open Facebook AGAIN. Like, what the hell? That’s evil shit right there.

– I wonder if there has ever been an Irishman with the last name “O’Clock.”

– You ever see that Universal Studios commercial where the family is enjoying the theme park but the teenage daughter is texting the entire time?

From the roller coaster to the resort pool, she is constantly on her phone while her Dad looks at her longingly, wishing she would give HIM the attention she gives the device. The Dad seems down trodden but, in a twist at the end, the daughter sends him a link to a vacation photo album she’s been constructing all along. The Mom leans over to him and says, “And you said no phones.”

The Dad grins and realizes that his attempt at outlining rules for his children to follow can be blatantly and willfully disobeyed whilst his wife, their mother, defends them and encourages their antisocial behavior while on an annual vacation that cost them thousands of dollars. Thanks for the lesson advertisers.

– An ad for Dr. Scholl’s featured, “testimonials” from two arbitrary people that really love their product: a waitress and a man operating a jackhammer. They are isolating a pretty large gap of the, “on your feet all day” demographic, don’t you think?

“Hi, I’ve just saved a man’s life after standing for 15 hours and Dr. Scholl’s doesn’t give a fuck about me.”

– I was on the subway this afternoon when a homeless man boarded and began shaking his jingling styrofoam cup, asking for change. The man made his way to my section of the car when a young professional seated directly next to me looks at the guy and says, “You want a cigarette?” A nice gesture that would ultimately prove treacherous.

The homeless man’s face filled with disgust as he began to reprimand this young professional as if he were a small child. “What?? No. Did I SAY I wanted a cigarette?!?!”

The young professional was taken aback at his extreme miscalculation of this vagrant’s personality. “I…. don’t have any money and thought you’d like to have a cigarette.”

The homeless man snapped, “You thought WRONG. I need money.” He refused to take the cigarette and walked away. The desire for everyone to go, “Ohhhhhhhhhh snap!!” was palpable.

It was at this moment that a large black woman began shaking her head and doing that under-the-breath, “uhn, uhn, uhn” that most people envy but cannot replicate. Whether her reaction was in defense of the guttersnipe or the cigarette man remains unclear.

The surrounding areas attention was transfixed on this situation and I remained silent. I ¬†wanted to make the guy next to me feel better and say, “You know what……I’LL take that cigarette. Thank you sir.” But didn’t. He had to learn.

“Smokes? I’ve gotta pay my fuckin’ HBO Go bill off bro.”

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2 responses

20 03 2014
Tom D

guttersnipe. that alone will get me through my day.

21 03 2014
Mike G.

hahahaha thank you sir, glad to see someone notices the finer things in life.

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