oh, ah, um, uh, hm, yo, ha

– Sometimes when you’re adding cream and sugar to your coffee at Starbucks another person will come over and stand there, still and silent, and wait for you to finish. Instead of asking politely for the ‘half-and-half’ or even reaching for it themselves, they lurk and judge your sugar use, stirring methods, lid closure, and straw unwrap. There’s room for the both of us, pal. Now go die.

– Netflix: a godsend for hungover teachers everywhere.

“You guys have been good so today we’re gonna watch, uhh, ya know what, Jenny pick something for us. I’ll be in the back.”

– If I ever open a singles bar near a law school I will definitely call it The Court Room. 

court…as in courting a woman. I knew you got it.

– I received a letter in my mailbox that wasn’t addressed to me and, obviously, decided to open it. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this letter contained my neighbor’s newly issued Green Card and important information regarding her naturalization.

When I knocked on her door to deliver the mail, she wouldn’t answer as she feared I was some INS agent ready to take her back to Egypt. She yelled, “I DON’T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH!” All I wanted her to do was look through the peephole and see her face on the ID but, at that moment, I realized trying to tell a foreign person, “just look through the peephole” is not something they learn in English Speaking 101.

After about 15-minutes of cajoling and a talk on the phone with her husband about, “the meaning of this” I handed her the card and said, “…congratulations. Also….I’m your neighbor….”

– The cover page to my Last Will and Testament will simply be a photo of Will Smith.

“Mike’s Final Shit.”

– It seems that the Food Network loves making shows that are just different versions of Bobby Flay arrogantly challenging hard working chefs to beat him in a cooking competition. In the eyes of the network, Flay is the greatest chef to ever live and a premise as simple as, “ordinary people trying to dethrone a king” is amusing enough to create 6 shows on the subject. Where does Flay’s lack of hubris end? Soon it will be, “Which chef has the balls to try and break into my home undetected while I’m sleeping?” or, “Which Mom&Pop cafe can I buy, remodel and make infinitely more successful in just 4 hours after a night of heavy drinking?”

It will probably start seeping into other genres too, like: Bobby Flay challenges a DJ at Coachella with a live set of his own, Bobby Flay “throws down” with a neurosurgeon, Bobby Flay replaces a defense attorney in a high profile criminal case.

Next week on Beat Bobby Flay: Bobby will pick your daughter up from school, make love to your wife AND create an award winning ceviche from nothing but what he has been secretly growing in your backyard since 2007.”

– In recent news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has ordered all college-aged, male citizens to have the same haircut as him (true). This limits the ten previous State sanctioned selections of mens styles to only one. While many perceive this as limiting, it is a style that is currently all the rage in NYC so, in fact, Lil’ Kim is doing the boys a favor.

+1 for N. Korea

 

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