{insert something Toby Keith would say to the troops here}

– I want to write a remix to Snoop Dogg’s “Sexual Eruption” but call it “Conspicuous Consumption” and make the lyrics about America’s shopping binge in the 1980’s.

“I’m gonna shop all the ti-ime, buy a nice purse with my dimes”

– I just learned that the deaths of Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis went overlooked because they both died on the same day as Kennedy’s assassination. Damn. Also, Huxley’s last words were to ask his wife to put LSD into his body. That should be standard at all hospitals.

– If Sayid from LOST had a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream named after him, it would be ‘Iraqi Road’.

Clever Terrorism: open a restaurant called Emergency Exit and put up a bunch of kitschy ‘Exit’ signs everywhere a la TGI Fridays. Then, set fire to the restaurant and watch as confusion, and hilarity, ensues.

– I’m curious to know what starving people think of Man v. Food.

– Where does The Rock fit into the world of tattoos? Celebrity enthusiast, perhaps?

– You know Ancient Aliens has run out of material when the title of an episode is, “Aliens and the Third Reich.”

“Is it just a coincidence that the swastika closely resembles a spinning spacecraft??”

– Speaking of which, hailing cabs in post-war Germany must have been a great way for ex-Nazi’s to blow off some steam and remember their glory days.

– I constantly see jackasses riding their bikes in the city with helmets that aren’t clipped to their heads. It doesn’t work that way.

– I wonder if traffic cops ever get told by their bosses, “Hey, I DO pay you to stand around all day doing nothing!”

“I BETTER come back here and see you leaning against that pole.”

– What if on Dorothy’s walk down the Yellow Brick Road she stopped and asked directions from an Oz local:

Dorothy: “Excuse me, we’re a bit lost. I was told to follow the Yellow Brick Road and I just wanted to confir…”

Local: “Woah, woah, woah. This is Yellow Brick Street, honey. The Yellow Brick Road is about 5 miles back that way.”

Dorothy: “Oh my. Are you sure? Isn’t that the Emerald City just up ahead?”

Local: “Common mistake, that’s New Emerald City. Back that way, lady. Just make a left by  those enchanted talking alligators, they’re harmless.”

– jApp: the only downloadable app to help singles find the elitist and falsely entitled witch of their dreams.

“Only available on iPhone cause, like, Android? Gross.”

– Honey Bunches of Coats (i have nothing else for that but do enjoy saying it.)

– I hate shopping for eggs at the grocery store because logic tells me I need to carry two baskets. Such. a. hassle.

– My sister met Triple H last night at a work event and, after her repeatedly addressing him as Triple H, he kindly looked at her and said, “please, just call me H.” I would have been like, “………..absolutely not, sir.”

‘H’ was his old self during cocktail hour.




One thought on “{insert something Toby Keith would say to the troops here}”

  1. Holy shit I’m crying Where are you getting these thoughts. Incredible. And classic. Cha Ching

    Sent from my iPhone

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