it’s like i stepped into a dream

Chopped on the Food Network is a fun show for everyone but the guy that has to wash all of the dishes later.

“If you ask me, whoever cooked that pork chop bone and the crusted over rosemary risotto from the second course should have won it all.”

– There is a strong positive correlation between how out of shape you are and how much you love standing around watching the gym’s TV.

– Did the public readily accept the decision to start putting mirrors in bathrooms or was it a long struggle into the mainstream? The very act of going to the bathroom is something that most people find repulsive, shameful, embarrassing, dirty, etc – when was someone like, “ya know what, this room would be great for looking at myself.”

– I like one-ply toilet paper so I guess that makes me a hard-ass.

– Valspar, a brand of paint, now has a product called Valspar Reserve as if there is some master paint distiller that set a few barrels aside for the affluent.

The Sherwin Williiams 12year is remarkably smooth with notes of astringent ammonia and a creamy “Ocean Mist” blue color.

– Now a joke from my grandfather: A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Ya know, doctor, one day I think I’m a wig-wam and the next day I think I’m a tee-pee. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.” The doctor says, “Ah, I know, you’re two tents.”

Waiting to Excel: The name of Whitney Houston’s lost romantic-office-comedy

– Kites should really be called Sky Puppets.

– If I was an islander and wanted to open a breakfast cafe I would definitely call it Trinidad and Tabagel.

Tom tHanks – my new line of gift cards featuring inspirational expressions of gratitude from, well, Tom Hanks.

“tHanks for the gift certificate, Aunt Jeanette.”

– I wonder if the Kansas City Royals AV guy has  remixed the Lorde song during home games. So many opportunities.

“And we’ll never be [kansas city] Royallllllllllllllls.
Actually, looking into this further it seems pieces of the song were, in fact, inspired by the Kansas City Royals. Weird.

– If you cut me off and/or slow me down on the sidewalk because you are texting, die.

– I recently watched a hot dog vendor crouch behind his cart and use four fingers to scrape his tongue, gag, and spit massive loogies on the street. He then proceeded to pour water over his bare feet and scrub them with his bear hands. Once this charade was over, he went back to work as a licensed food vendor.

– I know it is morbid but there is nothing like seeing the look on someones face when you lie and tell them an obscure celebrity has just been found dead. By adding that you, “just saw it on facebook” or that, “someone texted me just now” really accents the alleged authenticity of your claims. It’s especially fun making up they way they died; you have to keep it random while, at the same time, keeping it kind of believable. Of course, after their initial shock they begin to doubt you and you may eventually confess the truth but that initial shock, that knee-jerk response, is the payoff. This isn’t a long-con, just enough to get a few seconds of confusion and disbelief out of your unsuspecting victim. Obv, RIP to people that actually die – I don’t recommend that at all.

“Did you hear about Ray Romano? Dead. Died in a boat accident. Yeah, he apparently was a big game fisherman and, i don’t know, something went wrong.

 

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