find much to ponder upon in the characters here graven with a stylus of iron

19 02 2015

– Hardee’s fast-food burger chain needs to man up and shell out the money to get Tom Hardy as their spokesman.

“I’m Tom Hardy, c’mon down to laugh heartily and have a hearty meal here at Hardee’s. Hardee’s: a place you’ll find Tom Hardy.”

– If you weren’t connected to wifi at the time, does meeting someone on Tinder still count as, ‘meeting someone on the internet’?

“We met on 3G and I haven’t looked back since.”

– I was at a bar the other day and asked a waitress that came to collect a drink for her table why she had a brace on her wrist. “Is it a fashion statement??” I asked slyly. Without humor, she looked at me coldly and said, “I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

You can find this fashion trend in the Spring Collection of being a bitch.

– I was boarding a moderately crowded train on my way to work this week and stood, holding a hand rail. As we pulled away, I got a whiff of someone eating beef jerky. I’m standing there thinking to myself, “DAMN, that smells goooood. Man, I haven’t had beef jerky in a while, ” and other thoughts of that sort. I begin to look around at the passengers to see if I can locate the cool dude eating beef jerky at 8:40 in the morning. For some reason, I can’t seem to find them.

As I stand longer and get more acclimated with my surroundings I realize that the beef jerky smell (super unique, you all know it) began to take on a more ominous tinge. I look to my left and discover that the previously delicious odor was emanating from a seemingly Native American man that passed out in a crouching position, occasionally rocking back and forth. There is a vacancy of passengers in a 4-foot radius of this vagrant and it was then that I understood, no one was eating beef jerky at all. The smell was merely this man’s skin caked with his own urine, cigarette smoke, sweat and BO. Illusions are a powerful thing, ladies and gentleman.

– What computers and cellphones are doing to the posture of the human race:

– De-tangling headphones while standing on a crowded subway car should be considered a form of public performance.

– I wonder if apple farmers and doctors get into beefs when they run into each other at bars?

“What’s this ‘apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away’ HORSESHIT?? Are you TRYING to cripple my business model?? People NEED doctors, okay? I won’t have some two-bit, tree-hugging, slogan ruin my customer turnover ratio!”

– If I ever open a crematorium I’m definitely going to call it, No Bones About It.

– Everyone is always talking about Breakfast at Tiffany’s but has anyone ever seen Tiffany’s dinner menu? How about Happy Hour at Tiffany’s?

– There is a new show on TV called The Slap. The premise: Zachary Quinto is over at a friends BBQ and slaps the shit out of the host’s kid. The entire show is built around the fallout after the slap heard round the world. Let’s have some fun with rejected titles and taglines for this show shall we?:

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘If I Ever Looked at my Father That Way.”‘

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Every Dad Did Publicly To Bad Children Up Until 1992.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Wipe That Look Off Your Face.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Did You Just Say?'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Do You Have Any Idea How Much These Pants Cost?'”

“When Zachary Quinto comes over for a BBQ, there’s nothing he won’t SLAP! {insert montage of wine bag, high five, a small child}.

“He says they were ‘just practicing a new secret handshake,’ but what WAS Zachary Quinto REALLY doing … Find out at 9pm.”

– I got a phone call today telling me that my corporate American Express has been hacked and is being used for small purchases of gasoline in Columbia. I have about a 20 min conversation with this woman confirming my identity, she told me next steps, etc.

When it got to the part where I was to order a new card and give her my personal information she said, “You can tell me now, or, if you don’t believe that I am who I say I am, you can always call AmEx customer service.” It was at that moment I realized that this woman called me, showed me the illicit charges, and was asking me my personal info. She could very well be some kind-sounding thief, using fear and panic to pry vital info from the unsuspecting. How vulnerable did I feel?? Is this woman trying to steal from me too?? Who is she really? Was my card hacked or was that just a lie??

Needless to say I called customer service.

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