-When someone tells you that you, “clean up nice” that means they thought you looked like shit not too long ago.
-Has anyone seen the new Chobani Yogurt commercial where a dude comes in from the baseball field, sits in the dugout with his teammates, and cracks open a yogurt and eats it? Look, where I’m from, I believe you’d get your ass kicked if you did something like that.
– I wish all of my apologies were as sincere as they are when I accidentally reply to someone in all CAPS.
– On the New York City subway, a lot of people think they have, ‘Resting Bitch Face’ when, in reality, it is more like, ‘Resting I’m Dead Inside Face’.
– You’re so introverted, you choose instrumentals at karaoke.
– In this modern age, if there was a subway accident, I think the most jarring aspect wouldn’t be the shock of the crash but, rather, the chaotic aftermath of everyone searching for their phone on the train floor.
-If you are the kind of person that gets up within the first 30 min of a flight to take a piss, I ask you: what the fuck were you just doing in the terminal for the last 2 hours? Get your shit together for God’s sake.
-I flew back from Portland, OR recently and boarded my plane at 5:30 AM. The guy in the middle seat next to me began chatting-up the woman on the aisle immediately. I avoided this fate by putting my hood up and promptly passing out. I wake up intermittently on the journey back East to hear this man talking about camping and hiking. I finally wake up for good about two hours later and the man is STILL talking but this time about the merits of solar paneled camping equipment, what to do if you need to secure a tent into rock, and what it’s like to have the Earth collapse between your feet. This poor woman for 4.5 hours must have been like, “I DON’T GIVE A RAT FUCK ABOUT CAMPING.”
-If I was an artist, my dream job would be to become the guy that comes up with the Google homepage art everyday. “So, Mike – how was work today?” Oh, ya know, I just looked up some random-ass obscure holiday and went nuts.
-I’d like to propose that we change the saying from, “Dance like no one is watching” to “Shit like there is no one else in the public bathroom.”