let’s play tennis around ten-ish

– I want to grow my beard and hair out and dress up like a modern Jesus with a topknot and hang around funerals, nodding at people in heavenly reassurance.

“Ya know Barbara, I can’t shake this feeling that at Jimmy’s funeral last week Jesus was there with us. He was in an Armani suit behind Uncle Jeff, vaping. Yeah, him.”

– At what point did it become common for people to take two Advil or two Tylenol? Perhaps the pills were too large at first and public opinion made the higher-ups cut the dosage in half? Maybe it’s just a clever mind game the aspirin marketers are trying to pull to sell more pills: “Even an idiot knows that just ONE doesn’t work, you HAVE to take TWO!”

and just like that, sales doubled.

– I went to an eye doctor today that told me she doesn’t have health insurance. Her logic, “I don’t get sick.” A doctor, said this. Tangential thought: I wonder if there are any blind eye doctors.

“Okay, tell me about what you can see. No, seriously, tell me about it.”

– When I’m standing on the subway, I like to look at the phone screen of the person sitting next to me in hopes that they notice me staring. Once they do, I make eye contact and nod at them in heavenly reassurance.

– Want to feel instantly better about your day? Read some of the pathetic YouTube comments on All American Rejects’ “Dirty Little Secret”. Here’s a nice sample from Octavia: “DLS: im broken.. im shatterd.. i feel worthless and i feel like all my friends hate me and are just going to end up backstabbing me..”

– Saying, “bless you” to a person wearing headphones really makes you realize that it is an antiquated formality.

– Hotels should provide you with an app upon check-in like Uber that tells you where your housekeeper is at any given moment. That way, you can tell them when your room is free and won’t have to be rudely awakened or disturbed while shitting at 10am.

“Rosalita is currently two doors away.”

– I’m creating a website where people can buy and sell equipment for their cats and dogs called pEtsy.com.

– Since Jesus was a carpenter, I wonder if he had to join a union or just got hired on a freelance basis. I wish there were archeological sites that touted, “Yep, and this petrified wooden staircase was built by Jesus Christ himself.” He probably was an accomplished carpenter but it would be funny if, for some reason, he wasn’t. Like, when Jesus would roll onto the job site the other tradesmen would be like, “Great, Christ is here today…looks like we’ll have to double check the structural integrity of his door frames. We can’t have a repeat of that Bethlehem job all over again. Nightmare. Seriously, does that guy not know what a level is??”

Jesus was a founding member of the “Nazareth Local 118”
Advertisements

reconstructing the universe

– When looking for event venues in Dallas, I learned of a KILLER space on the 6th floor of the School Book Depository.

– Bitchy tweens these days must say things like, “If Jenny had a website, it wouldn’t be Jenny.com it would be Jenny.VOM.” Actually, girls of today aren’t making domain name jokes, let me rephrase. Bitchy tweens in the LATE 90’s TOTALLY used that.

– I want to make a parody cover song of Mandy Moore’s, “Candy” but make it about Voltaire’s, “Candide.” If successful, it will be played in high school and college literature classes nationwide.

“I’m missing you like Candiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-eeeyaaa-de.”

– Fox has recently commissioned the making of Gotham, a show retelling stories of the adolescent characters we all know from Batman. Really, Fox? The last time I checked I didn’t give a shit about Poison Ivy as a sixth grader.  Are we supposed to think when watching that show, “oh, my, tonight’s plotline is reallllly shaping the character she will one day become.” I think we are taking this whole, “origin-story-Batman-begins” thing a little too far, don’t you? What’s next?

“We all know the story of Bruce Wayne, but what about his Father, Thomas? Next summer, Fox will take you on a trip back in time to when Thomas’ father, Elias, immigrated to Gotham from Austria as a boy to make a new life for the Wayne Family. This summer at 8/7c: Origin Tales of Beginnings that Paved the Way for Batman.”

And coming this fall, FOX will take you back in time to explore the very roots of Bruce Wayne. Roots that can be traced to his ancestors from more than 10,000 years ago in, “Batman Begins: Neolithic Knight”

At what point do gangsters call it a night? Like:

“Yo man, we gon’ smoke some cess, get in the truck, go kill some muufuckas, hit the strip club, we gon…..”

“…Actually y’all [yawns], I’m feelin pretty tired and shit. I like, woke up early as fuck today, you know what I’m sayin’? You do you, but I think I’m gonna head back.”

“What?! You tired??”

“Pssh, yeah man. I’m over here yawnin’. You guys go.”

{inhales deeply through nose} Damn bitch, I keep noddin’ off. I’m gonna go hit the haystacks, this shit can wait till tomorrow.”

– I want to go to a rodeo and tell people that it is, in actuality, my first.

– I want John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted to create a show called Behind Bars. The show would search for previously undiscovered mixologists and enlist America’s help to place them…behind bars.

“Tonight, we need your help America tracking down a bartender in the Tulsa area that, we believe, can muddle the best mojito base in town. With any luck, he is on a one-way street to find himself…behind bars.”

– A lot of anti-smoking ads these days try to liken smoking cigarettes to “signing a contract” or being “in an abusive relationship.” I think these don’t really capture the true relationship a smoker has with cigarettes and health.

I think an ad of this sort would be more effective if the cigarette was personified as a prison inmate and your body was the wall to his prison cell. Little by little the prisoner chips away at the wall in an attempt to escape, all the while no one in the jail suspects a thing until BAM! One day alarms go off and the cigarette has broken through the once strong fortification that has now crumbled under a single weak spot.

im in

it’s like i stepped into a dream

Chopped on the Food Network is a fun show for everyone but the guy that has to wash all of the dishes later.

“If you ask me, whoever cooked that pork chop bone and the crusted over rosemary risotto from the second course should have won it all.”

– There is a strong positive correlation between how out of shape you are and how much you love standing around watching the gym’s TV.

– Did the public readily accept the decision to start putting mirrors in bathrooms or was it a long struggle into the mainstream? The very act of going to the bathroom is something that most people find repulsive, shameful, embarrassing, dirty, etc – when was someone like, “ya know what, this room would be great for looking at myself.”

– I like one-ply toilet paper so I guess that makes me a hard-ass.

– Valspar, a brand of paint, now has a product called Valspar Reserve as if there is some master paint distiller that set a few barrels aside for the affluent.

The Sherwin Williiams 12year is remarkably smooth with notes of astringent ammonia and a creamy “Ocean Mist” blue color.

– Now a joke from my grandfather: A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Ya know, doctor, one day I think I’m a wig-wam and the next day I think I’m a tee-pee. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.” The doctor says, “Ah, I know, you’re two tents.”

Waiting to Excel: The name of Whitney Houston’s lost romantic-office-comedy

– Kites should really be called Sky Puppets.

– If I was an islander and wanted to open a breakfast cafe I would definitely call it Trinidad and Tabagel.

Tom tHanks – my new line of gift cards featuring inspirational expressions of gratitude from, well, Tom Hanks.

“tHanks for the gift certificate, Aunt Jeanette.”

– I wonder if the Kansas City Royals AV guy has  remixed the Lorde song during home games. So many opportunities.

“And we’ll never be [kansas city] Royallllllllllllllls.
Actually, looking into this further it seems pieces of the song were, in fact, inspired by the Kansas City Royals. Weird.

– If you cut me off and/or slow me down on the sidewalk because you are texting, die.

– I recently watched a hot dog vendor crouch behind his cart and use four fingers to scrape his tongue, gag, and spit massive loogies on the street. He then proceeded to pour water over his bare feet and scrub them with his bear hands. Once this charade was over, he went back to work as a licensed food vendor.

– I know it is morbid but there is nothing like seeing the look on someones face when you lie and tell them an obscure celebrity has just been found dead. By adding that you, “just saw it on facebook” or that, “someone texted me just now” really accents the alleged authenticity of your claims. It’s especially fun making up they way they died; you have to keep it random while, at the same time, keeping it kind of believable. Of course, after their initial shock they begin to doubt you and you may eventually confess the truth but that initial shock, that knee-jerk response, is the payoff. This isn’t a long-con, just enough to get a few seconds of confusion and disbelief out of your unsuspecting victim. Obv, RIP to people that actually die – I don’t recommend that at all.

“Did you hear about Ray Romano? Dead. Died in a boat accident. Yeah, he apparently was a big game fisherman and, i don’t know, something went wrong.

 

{insert something Toby Keith would say to the troops here}

– I want to write a remix to Snoop Dogg’s “Sexual Eruption” but call it “Conspicuous Consumption” and make the lyrics about America’s shopping binge in the 1980’s.

“I’m gonna shop all the ti-ime, buy a nice purse with my dimes”

– I just learned that the deaths of Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis went overlooked because they both died on the same day as Kennedy’s assassination. Damn. Also, Huxley’s last words were to ask his wife to put LSD into his body. That should be standard at all hospitals.

– If Sayid from LOST had a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream named after him, it would be ‘Iraqi Road’.

Clever Terrorism: open a restaurant called Emergency Exit and put up a bunch of kitschy ‘Exit’ signs everywhere a la TGI Fridays. Then, set fire to the restaurant and watch as confusion, and hilarity, ensues.

– I’m curious to know what starving people think of Man v. Food.

– Where does The Rock fit into the world of tattoos? Celebrity enthusiast, perhaps?

– You know Ancient Aliens has run out of material when the title of an episode is, “Aliens and the Third Reich.”

“Is it just a coincidence that the swastika closely resembles a spinning spacecraft??”

– Speaking of which, hailing cabs in post-war Germany must have been a great way for ex-Nazi’s to blow off some steam and remember their glory days.

– I constantly see jackasses riding their bikes in the city with helmets that aren’t clipped to their heads. It doesn’t work that way.

– I wonder if traffic cops ever get told by their bosses, “Hey, I DO pay you to stand around all day doing nothing!”

“I BETTER come back here and see you leaning against that pole.”

– What if on Dorothy’s walk down the Yellow Brick Road she stopped and asked directions from an Oz local:

Dorothy: “Excuse me, we’re a bit lost. I was told to follow the Yellow Brick Road and I just wanted to confir…”

Local: “Woah, woah, woah. This is Yellow Brick Street, honey. The Yellow Brick Road is about 5 miles back that way.”

Dorothy: “Oh my. Are you sure? Isn’t that the Emerald City just up ahead?”

Local: “Common mistake, that’s New Emerald City. Back that way, lady. Just make a left by  those enchanted talking alligators, they’re harmless.”

– jApp: the only downloadable app to help singles find the elitist and falsely entitled witch of their dreams.

“Only available on iPhone cause, like, Android? Gross.”

– Honey Bunches of Coats (i have nothing else for that but do enjoy saying it.)

– I hate shopping for eggs at the grocery store because logic tells me I need to carry two baskets. Such. a. hassle.

– My sister met Triple H last night at a work event and, after her repeatedly addressing him as Triple H, he kindly looked at her and said, “please, just call me H.” I would have been like, “………..absolutely not, sir.”

‘H’ was his old self during cocktail hour.

 

 

i’m allowed a few small rebellions

– Free Wi-Fi at a place without access to wall outlets brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “For a Limited Time Only.”

– If I ever wanted to open a cigar bar for vain people, I would call it Smoke N’ Mirrors.

– “Objectify!”: the curse Harry Potter uses when he feels like demeaning women.

– Subway’s slogan is “Eat Fresh!” yet their new Frito’s Chicken Enchilada Melt, a flatbread packed with cheese, enchilada sauce and fried corn chips, is kind of the opposite of that.

“April is bring your own Ramen month. We’ve got the hot water! Eat Fresh!”

– I hate it when people ask me how my weekend was on a Tuesday. In my mind, that was long ago and you should switch to another banal formality.

True Dat Fact: Nas wrote Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.

– I enjoy how journalists can write relatively misleading headlines by simply putting a word or phrase in single-quotes. For example, a headline that says, “Snipers in the Ukraine ‘shot’ protesters,” might mean they shot at or towards but didn’t actually shoot anyone.  News writers must have a lot of fun with this. “Michele Obama ‘spat on the ground’ at the Kentucky Derby” or ,”South Africa ‘hates’ women’s rights” or, “Chevrolet boss ‘flipped off’ competitor in Miami.”

“Chevy CEO flipped off the hood of a Honda this morning at a convention in Florida celebrating the first quarter’s record profit margin.”

– If the Baltimore Orioles Marketing and Merchandising departments haven’t figured out a way to capitalize on the phrase, “Orange is the New Black” then they might as well work for a team that starts off really great and gets everyone’s hopes up then drops them abruptly into a deep orange is the new Black Abyss.

realllllllly clever Orioles mktg team…truly progressive.

– McDonald’s and other fast food places scare me because I desire their products so much but am always shocked that such incompetent people are, “cooking” it for me.

– Word of the day: Cadged. It means to persuade someone to give you something with zero intention of returning the favor.

– If old people and thugs have one thing in common it’s that they be buryin’ dey friends at a rapid rate.

“Pourin’ out a little liquor today for our friend Barry who poured out many a bottle during the prohibition.”

– I Google Mapped “Hell” and it zeroed in on my location. Weird.

– People say that there is no originality in Hollywood, and I would have to agree with them. For example, how many times have Spiderman/Batman/Superman/TMNT/Twilight Zone been remade and repackaged? Hell, if you are going to remake something that has already been made, why not remake something that has only been produced ONCE before? If you’re gonna be un-original, throw us a Captain Planet movie. Give us an Are You Afraid of the Dark reboot. And please, make a real-life Arthur HBO mini-series.

I say this now but soon it will be, “Captain Planet 6: Dark of the Moon”

– Don’t ask me how I got there but I found myself listening to Blurry by Puddle of Mudd on YouTube during an early 2000’s nostalgia procrastination session. It was thereupon that I discovered this outlandishly confident statement:

Screen shot 2014-04-08 at 2.02.46 PM
i laugh out loud every time i read this. he’s so confident!

 

oh, ah, um, uh, hm, yo, ha

– Sometimes when you’re adding cream and sugar to your coffee at Starbucks another person will come over and stand there, still and silent, and wait for you to finish. Instead of asking politely for the ‘half-and-half’ or even reaching for it themselves, they lurk and judge your sugar use, stirring methods, lid closure, and straw unwrap. There’s room for the both of us, pal. Now go die.

– Netflix: a godsend for hungover teachers everywhere.

“You guys have been good so today we’re gonna watch, uhh, ya know what, Jenny pick something for us. I’ll be in the back.”

– If I ever open a singles bar near a law school I will definitely call it The Court Room. 

court…as in courting a woman. I knew you got it.

– I received a letter in my mailbox that wasn’t addressed to me and, obviously, decided to open it. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this letter contained my neighbor’s newly issued Green Card and important information regarding her naturalization.

When I knocked on her door to deliver the mail, she wouldn’t answer as she feared I was some INS agent ready to take her back to Egypt. She yelled, “I DON’T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH!” All I wanted her to do was look through the peephole and see her face on the ID but, at that moment, I realized trying to tell a foreign person, “just look through the peephole” is not something they learn in English Speaking 101.

After about 15-minutes of cajoling and a talk on the phone with her husband about, “the meaning of this” I handed her the card and said, “…congratulations. Also….I’m your neighbor….”

– The cover page to my Last Will and Testament will simply be a photo of Will Smith.

“Mike’s Final Shit.”

– It seems that the Food Network loves making shows that are just different versions of Bobby Flay arrogantly challenging hard working chefs to beat him in a cooking competition. In the eyes of the network, Flay is the greatest chef to ever live and a premise as simple as, “ordinary people trying to dethrone a king” is amusing enough to create 6 shows on the subject. Where does Flay’s lack of hubris end? Soon it will be, “Which chef has the balls to try and break into my home undetected while I’m sleeping?” or, “Which Mom&Pop cafe can I buy, remodel and make infinitely more successful in just 4 hours after a night of heavy drinking?”

It will probably start seeping into other genres too, like: Bobby Flay challenges a DJ at Coachella with a live set of his own, Bobby Flay “throws down” with a neurosurgeon, Bobby Flay replaces a defense attorney in a high profile criminal case.

Next week on Beat Bobby Flay: Bobby will pick your daughter up from school, make love to your wife AND create an award winning ceviche from nothing but what he has been secretly growing in your backyard since 2007.”

– In recent news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has ordered all college-aged, male citizens to have the same haircut as him (true). This limits the ten previous State sanctioned selections of mens styles to only one. While many perceive this as limiting, it is a style that is currently all the rage in NYC so, in fact, Lil’ Kim is doing the boys a favor.

+1 for N. Korea

 

10 reasons why you need 10 reasons to read a list of 10 reasons

– Angie’s Pissed: what happens when the Angie’s List founder gets upset.

– I like to envision that the office of a free porn website resembles that of a high-stress newspaper. The editor is screaming from his office as phones are ringing off the hook, mail carts swipe past and people are working furiously in business casual clothing. The editor screams, “Jenkins!! Where’s my locker room sequence????? Andrea, where is the mother-daughter threesome piece that you promised me before lunch?? And Murray, for Christ’s sake where do we stand with the WebCam subscriptions?? I need some CONTENT here people!!!”

“You think you’ll ever make it on Brazzers with this kind of material??? Fix it!”

– When professional gamblers and poker players are feeling corny, I bet they love using the expression, “If I was a betting man…” whenever the occasion strikes.

“If I was a betting man I’d say that Heineken was for me….OH WAIT.”

– Have you ever been so desperate for an air freshener in someone else’s bathroom that you lathered up your hands with soap and waved them around? Just me?

– Facebook somehow has this odd cosmic power over me when I’m trying to be productive. I’ll be doing work or looking something up when, inexplicably, Facebook opens on my computer screen. How did this happen? How did I get here? I was just on here not 4 minutes ago.

The worst is when you open Facebook, look through it, close it, open another tab, and open Facebook AGAIN. Like, what the hell? That’s evil shit right there.

– I wonder if there has ever been an Irishman with the last name “O’Clock.”

– You ever see that Universal Studios commercial where the family is enjoying the theme park but the teenage daughter is texting the entire time?

From the roller coaster to the resort pool, she is constantly on her phone while her Dad looks at her longingly, wishing she would give HIM the attention she gives the device. The Dad seems down trodden but, in a twist at the end, the daughter sends him a link to a vacation photo album she’s been constructing all along. The Mom leans over to him and says, “And you said no phones.”

The Dad grins and realizes that his attempt at outlining rules for his children to follow can be blatantly and willfully disobeyed whilst his wife, their mother, defends them and encourages their antisocial behavior while on an annual vacation that cost them thousands of dollars. Thanks for the lesson advertisers.

– An ad for Dr. Scholl’s featured, “testimonials” from two arbitrary people that really love their product: a waitress and a man operating a jackhammer. They are isolating a pretty large gap of the, “on your feet all day” demographic, don’t you think?

“Hi, I’ve just saved a man’s life after standing for 15 hours and Dr. Scholl’s doesn’t give a fuck about me.”

– I was on the subway this afternoon when a homeless man boarded and began shaking his jingling styrofoam cup, asking for change. The man made his way to my section of the car when a young professional seated directly next to me looks at the guy and says, “You want a cigarette?” A nice gesture that would ultimately prove treacherous.

The homeless man’s face filled with disgust as he began to reprimand this young professional as if he were a small child. “What?? No. Did I SAY I wanted a cigarette?!?!”

The young professional was taken aback at his extreme miscalculation of this vagrant’s personality. “I…. don’t have any money and thought you’d like to have a cigarette.”

The homeless man snapped, “You thought WRONG. I need money.” He refused to take the cigarette and walked away. The desire for everyone to go, “Ohhhhhhhhhh snap!!” was palpable.

It was at this moment that a large black woman began shaking her head and doing that under-the-breath, “uhn, uhn, uhn” that most people envy but cannot replicate. Whether her reaction was in defense of the guttersnipe or the cigarette man remains unclear.

The surrounding areas attention was transfixed on this situation and I remained silent. I  wanted to make the guy next to me feel better and say, “You know what……I’LL take that cigarette. Thank you sir.” But didn’t. He had to learn.

“Smokes? I’ve gotta pay my fuckin’ HBO Go bill off bro.”