it’s like i stepped into a dream

29 08 2014

Chopped on the Food Network is a fun show for everyone but the guy that has to wash all of the dishes later.

“If you ask me, whoever cooked that pork chop bone and the crusted over rosemary risotto from the second course should have won it all.”

– There is a strong positive correlation between how out of shape you are and how much you love standing around watching the gym’s TV.

– Did the public readily accept the decision to start putting mirrors in bathrooms or was it a long struggle into the mainstream? The very act of going to the bathroom is something that most people find repulsive, shameful, embarrassing, dirty, etc – when was someone like, “ya know what, this room would be great for looking at myself.”

– I like one-ply toilet paper so I guess that makes me a hard-ass.

– Valspar, a brand of paint, now has a product called Valspar Reserve as if there is some master paint distiller that set a few barrels aside for the affluent.

The Sherwin Williiams 12year is remarkably smooth with notes of astringent ammonia and a creamy “Ocean Mist” blue color.

– Now a joke from my grandfather: A guy goes to the doctor and says, “Ya know, doctor, one day I think I’m a wig-wam and the next day I think I’m a tee-pee. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.” The doctor says, “Ah, I know, you’re two tents.”

Waiting to Excel: The name of Whitney Houston’s lost romantic-office-comedy

– Kites should really be called Sky Puppets.

– If I was an islander and wanted to open a breakfast cafe I would definitely call it Trinidad and Tabagel.

Tom tHanks – my new line of gift cards featuring inspirational expressions of gratitude from, well, Tom Hanks.

“tHanks for the gift certificate, Aunt Jeanette.”

– I wonder if the Kansas City Royals AV guy has  remixed the Lorde song during home games. So many opportunities.

“And we’ll never be [kansas city] Royallllllllllllllls.

Actually, looking into this further it seems pieces of the song were, in fact, inspired by the Kansas City Royals. Weird.

– If you cut me off and/or slow me down on the sidewalk because you are texting, die.

– I recently watched a hot dog vendor crouch behind his cart and use four fingers to scrape his tongue, gag, and spit massive loogies on the street. He then proceeded to pour water over his bare feet and scrub them with his bear hands. Once this charade was over, he went back to work as a licensed food vendor.

– I know it is morbid but there is nothing like seeing the look on someones face when you lie and tell them an obscure celebrity has just been found dead. By adding that you, “just saw it on facebook” or that, “someone texted me just now” really accents the alleged authenticity of your claims. It’s especially fun making up they way they died; you have to keep it random while, at the same time, keeping it kind of believable. Of course, after their initial shock they begin to doubt you and you may eventually confess the truth but that initial shock, that knee-jerk response, is the payoff. This isn’t a long-con, just enough to get a few seconds of confusion and disbelief out of your unsuspecting victim. Obv, RIP to people that actually die – I don’t recommend that at all.

“Did you hear about Ray Romano? Dead. Died in a boat accident. Yeah, he apparently was a big game fisherman and, i don’t know, something went wrong.

 





{insert something Toby Keith would say to the troops here}

16 05 2014

– I want to write a remix to Snoop Dogg’s “Sexual Eruption” but call it “Conspicuous Consumption” and make the lyrics about America’s shopping binge in the 1980’s.

“I’m gonna shop all the ti-ime, buy a nice purse with my dimes”

– I just learned that the deaths of Aldous Huxley and C.S. Lewis went overlooked because they both died on the same day as Kennedy’s assassination. Damn. Also, Huxley’s last words were to ask his wife to put LSD into his body. That should be standard at all hospitals.

– If Sayid from LOST had a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream named after him, it would be ‘Iraqi Road’.

Clever Terrorism: open a restaurant called Emergency Exit and put up a bunch of kitschy ‘Exit’ signs everywhere a la TGI Fridays. Then, set fire to the restaurant and watch as confusion, and hilarity, ensues.

– I’m curious to know what starving people think of Man v. Food.

– Where does The Rock fit into the world of tattoos? Celebrity enthusiast, perhaps?

– You know Ancient Aliens has run out of material when the title of an episode is, “Aliens and the Third Reich.”

“Is it just a coincidence that the swastika closely resembles a spinning spacecraft??”

– Speaking of which, hailing cabs in post-war Germany must have been a great way for ex-Nazi’s to blow off some steam and remember their glory days.

– I constantly see jackasses riding their bikes in the city with helmets that aren’t clipped to their heads. It doesn’t work that way.

– I wonder if traffic cops ever get told by their bosses, “Hey, I DO pay you to stand around all day doing nothing!”

“I BETTER come back here and see you leaning against that pole.”

– What if on Dorothy’s walk down the Yellow Brick Road she stopped and asked directions from an Oz local:

Dorothy: “Excuse me, we’re a bit lost. I was told to follow the Yellow Brick Road and I just wanted to confir…”

Local: “Woah, woah, woah. This is Yellow Brick Street, honey. The Yellow Brick Road is about 5 miles back that way.”

Dorothy: “Oh my. Are you sure? Isn’t that the Emerald City just up ahead?”

Local: “Common mistake, that’s New Emerald City. Back that way, lady. Just make a left by  those enchanted talking alligators, they’re harmless.”

– jApp: the only downloadable app to help singles find the elitist and falsely entitled witch of their dreams.

“Only available on iPhone cause, like, Android? Gross.”

– Honey Bunches of Coats (i have nothing else for that but do enjoy saying it.)

– I hate shopping for eggs at the grocery store because logic tells me I need to carry two baskets. Such. a. hassle.

– My sister met Triple H last night at a work event and, after her repeatedly addressing him as Triple H, he kindly looked at her and said, “please, just call me H.” I would have been like, “………..absolutely not, sir.”

‘H’ was his old self during cocktail hour.

 

 





i’m allowed a few small rebellions

9 04 2014

– Free Wi-Fi at a place without access to wall outlets brings a whole new meaning to the phrase, “For a Limited Time Only.”

– If I ever wanted to open a cigar bar for vain people, I would call it Smoke N’ Mirrors.

– “Objectify!”: the curse Harry Potter uses when he feels like demeaning women.

– Subway’s slogan is “Eat Fresh!” yet their new Frito’s Chicken Enchilada Melt, a flatbread packed with cheese, enchilada sauce and fried corn chips, is kind of the opposite of that.

“April is bring your own Ramen month. We’ve got the hot water! Eat Fresh!”

– I hate it when people ask me how my weekend was on a Tuesday. In my mind, that was long ago and you should switch to another banal formality.

True Dat Fact: Nas wrote Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.

– I enjoy how journalists can write relatively misleading headlines by simply putting a word or phrase in single-quotes. For example, a headline that says, “Snipers in the Ukraine ‘shot’ protesters,” might mean they shot at or towards but didn’t actually shoot anyone.  News writers must have a lot of fun with this. “Michele Obama ‘spat on the ground’ at the Kentucky Derby” or ,”South Africa ‘hates’ women’s rights” or, “Chevrolet boss ‘flipped off’ competitor in Miami.”

“Chevy CEO flipped off the hood of a Honda this morning at a convention in Florida celebrating the first quarter’s record profit margin.”

– If the Baltimore Orioles Marketing and Merchandising departments haven’t figured out a way to capitalize on the phrase, “Orange is the New Black” then they might as well work for a team that starts off really great and gets everyone’s hopes up then drops them abruptly into a deep orange is the new Black Abyss.

realllllllly clever Orioles mktg team…truly progressive.

– McDonald’s and other fast food places scare me because I desire their products so much but am always shocked that such incompetent people are, “cooking” it for me.

– Word of the day: Cadged. It means to persuade someone to give you something with zero intention of returning the favor.

– If old people and thugs have one thing in common it’s that they be buryin’ dey friends at a rapid rate.

“Pourin’ out a little liquor today for our friend Barry who poured out many a bottle during the prohibition.”

– I Google Mapped “Hell” and it zeroed in on my location. Weird.

– People say that there is no originality in Hollywood, and I would have to agree with them. For example, how many times have Spiderman/Batman/Superman/TMNT/Twilight Zone been remade and repackaged? Hell, if you are going to remake something that has already been made, why not remake something that has only been produced ONCE before? If you’re gonna be un-original, throw us a Captain Planet movie. Give us an Are You Afraid of the Dark reboot. And please, make a real-life Arthur HBO mini-series.

I say this now but soon it will be, “Captain Planet 6: Dark of the Moon”

– Don’t ask me how I got there but I found myself listening to Blurry by Puddle of Mudd on YouTube during an early 2000’s nostalgia procrastination session. It was thereupon that I discovered this outlandishly confident statement:

Screen shot 2014-04-08 at 2.02.46 PM

i laugh out loud every time i read this. he’s so confident!

 





oh, ah, um, uh, hm, yo, ha

26 03 2014

– Sometimes when you’re adding cream and sugar to your coffee at Starbucks another person will come over and stand there, still and silent, and wait for you to finish. Instead of asking politely for the ‘half-and-half’ or even reaching for it themselves, they lurk and judge your sugar use, stirring methods, lid closure, and straw unwrap. There’s room for the both of us, pal. Now go die.

– Netflix: a godsend for hungover teachers everywhere.

“You guys have been good so today we’re gonna watch, uhh, ya know what, Jenny pick something for us. I’ll be in the back.”

– If I ever open a singles bar near a law school I will definitely call it The Court Room. 

court…as in courting a woman. I knew you got it.

– I received a letter in my mailbox that wasn’t addressed to me and, obviously, decided to open it. Imagine my surprise when I realized that this letter contained my neighbor’s newly issued Green Card and important information regarding her naturalization.

When I knocked on her door to deliver the mail, she wouldn’t answer as she feared I was some INS agent ready to take her back to Egypt. She yelled, “I DON’T SPEAK ANY ENGLISH!” All I wanted her to do was look through the peephole and see her face on the ID but, at that moment, I realized trying to tell a foreign person, “just look through the peephole” is not something they learn in English Speaking 101.

After about 15-minutes of cajoling and a talk on the phone with her husband about, “the meaning of this” I handed her the card and said, “…congratulations. Also….I’m your neighbor….”

– The cover page to my Last Will and Testament will simply be a photo of Will Smith.

“Mike’s Final Shit.”

– It seems that the Food Network loves making shows that are just different versions of Bobby Flay arrogantly challenging hard working chefs to beat him in a cooking competition. In the eyes of the network, Flay is the greatest chef to ever live and a premise as simple as, “ordinary people trying to dethrone a king” is amusing enough to create 6 shows on the subject. Where does Flay’s lack of hubris end? Soon it will be, “Which chef has the balls to try and break into my home undetected while I’m sleeping?” or, “Which Mom&Pop cafe can I buy, remodel and make infinitely more successful in just 4 hours after a night of heavy drinking?”

It will probably start seeping into other genres too, like: Bobby Flay challenges a DJ at Coachella with a live set of his own, Bobby Flay “throws down” with a neurosurgeon, Bobby Flay replaces a defense attorney in a high profile criminal case.

Next week on Beat Bobby Flay: Bobby will pick your daughter up from school, make love to your wife AND create an award winning ceviche from nothing but what he has been secretly growing in your backyard since 2007.”

– In recent news, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has ordered all college-aged, male citizens to have the same haircut as him (true). This limits the ten previous State sanctioned selections of mens styles to only one. While many perceive this as limiting, it is a style that is currently all the rage in NYC so, in fact, Lil’ Kim is doing the boys a favor.

+1 for N. Korea

 





10 reasons why you need 10 reasons to read a list of 10 reasons

19 03 2014

– Angie’s Pissed: what happens when the Angie’s List founder gets upset.

– I like to envision that the office of a free porn website resembles that of a high-stress newspaper. The editor is screaming from his office as phones are ringing off the hook, mail carts swipe past and people are working furiously in business casual clothing. The editor screams, “Jenkins!! Where’s my locker room sequence????? Andrea, where is the mother-daughter threesome piece that you promised me before lunch?? And Murray, for Christ’s sake where do we stand with the WebCam subscriptions?? I need some CONTENT here people!!!”

“You think you’ll ever make it on Brazzers with this kind of material??? Fix it!”

– When professional gamblers and poker players are feeling corny, I bet they love using the expression, “If I was a betting man…” whenever the occasion strikes.

“If I was a betting man I’d say that Heineken was for me….OH WAIT.”

– Have you ever been so desperate for an air freshener in someone else’s bathroom that you lathered up your hands with soap and waved them around? Just me?

– Facebook somehow has this odd cosmic power over me when I’m trying to be productive. I’ll be doing work or looking something up when, inexplicably, Facebook opens on my computer screen. How did this happen? How did I get here? I was just on here not 4 minutes ago.

The worst is when you open Facebook, look through it, close it, open another tab, and open Facebook AGAIN. Like, what the hell? That’s evil shit right there.

– I wonder if there has ever been an Irishman with the last name “O’Clock.”

– You ever see that Universal Studios commercial where the family is enjoying the theme park but the teenage daughter is texting the entire time?

From the roller coaster to the resort pool, she is constantly on her phone while her Dad looks at her longingly, wishing she would give HIM the attention she gives the device. The Dad seems down trodden but, in a twist at the end, the daughter sends him a link to a vacation photo album she’s been constructing all along. The Mom leans over to him and says, “And you said no phones.”

The Dad grins and realizes that his attempt at outlining rules for his children to follow can be blatantly and willfully disobeyed whilst his wife, their mother, defends them and encourages their antisocial behavior while on an annual vacation that cost them thousands of dollars. Thanks for the lesson advertisers.

– An ad for Dr. Scholl’s featured, “testimonials” from two arbitrary people that really love their product: a waitress and a man operating a jackhammer. They are isolating a pretty large gap of the, “on your feet all day” demographic, don’t you think?

“Hi, I’ve just saved a man’s life after standing for 15 hours and Dr. Scholl’s doesn’t give a fuck about me.”

– I was on the subway this afternoon when a homeless man boarded and began shaking his jingling styrofoam cup, asking for change. The man made his way to my section of the car when a young professional seated directly next to me looks at the guy and says, “You want a cigarette?” A nice gesture that would ultimately prove treacherous.

The homeless man’s face filled with disgust as he began to reprimand this young professional as if he were a small child. “What?? No. Did I SAY I wanted a cigarette?!?!”

The young professional was taken aback at his extreme miscalculation of this vagrant’s personality. “I…. don’t have any money and thought you’d like to have a cigarette.”

The homeless man snapped, “You thought WRONG. I need money.” He refused to take the cigarette and walked away. The desire for everyone to go, “Ohhhhhhhhhh snap!!” was palpable.

It was at this moment that a large black woman began shaking her head and doing that under-the-breath, “uhn, uhn, uhn” that most people envy but cannot replicate. Whether her reaction was in defense of the guttersnipe or the cigarette man remains unclear.

The surrounding areas attention was transfixed on this situation and I remained silent. I  wanted to make the guy next to me feel better and say, “You know what……I’LL take that cigarette. Thank you sir.” But didn’t. He had to learn.

“Smokes? I’ve gotta pay my fuckin’ HBO Go bill off bro.”





we got cricket with the quickness and the bassline

26 02 2014

– I’m a little sick of this film/TV convention of listing the names of the cast and producers before a movie begins. I find it to be selfishly vain and extremely unnecessary having almost crossed into the realm of ritual. It’s like, “We want you to suspend your disbelief after you pay your respects to these no-name actors and casting directors from LA.”

politics lessons from history: When Andrew Jackson was told that South Carolina was threatening to nullify a federal tariff he replied, “I’ll personally hang the Governor of South Carolina.” South Carolina believed him, and didn’t. If only that kind of behavior would fly today.

“I know you didn’t just say that, Vermont. I know you didn’t just say that.”

– If you think about it, the chorus to that Drake song “Hold On, We’re Goin’ Home” should be queued up on every U.S. Coast Guard ship.

Unless, of course, they are illegal immigrants than “home” is certainly not the place they want to go. Shout out to Mike Del Mauro for the assist.

– New York City’s tourism bureau should employ the slogan: “New York City: Come if you don’t mind walking behind a bunch of people smoking cigarettes on the sidewalk.”

“Look at these happy tourists on Wall Street!”

– I don’t like to think that Socrates enjoyed caramel but, if he did, he would have preferred Riesen.

– Though I haven’t seen it, I can predict that Aaron Paul says the words, “yeah” and “bitch” at some point in the film Need for Speed. I’m sure he gives the people what they want.

– Germany just arrested three men suspected of being prison guards at Auschwitz. They are aged 88, 92 and 94. Wow, great detective work Germany. Only took you fuckin SEVENTY-ONE YEARS! That 94 year old guy must have been sitting in his armchair when he received a knock at the door from the German cops. I’m sure he said something theatric like, “Well, well, well….I knew you’d come. My great-grandchildren thought I was crazy but…I knew.”

“AND IN OTHER NEWS – the German authorities have arrested a Nazi war criminal this afternoon. He has allegedly been hiding in plain sight all of these years at Greenview Cemetery in Munich. He will stand trial in July.”

– As I began reading a library book, I discovered that the 3rd page had been dogeared. I suppose the person before me couldn’t commit to memory that the last paragraph they read was only one page away from the title.

– Various: a cooler name than Darius.

– These days it seems every website is creating their own original content/mini-series. Netflix of course has House of Cards among others, Hulu has that weird show about men in the workplace or something inconsequential like that, and even Amazon just launched Alpha House. My question: where does it end? Soon,  E*Trade will launch some romantic comedy about a stock trader that has to uproot and move to Australia and Buzzfeed will commission a series about Thomas Edison’s little known, yet rebellious son called Bright Ideas.





i’m a sucker for cornrows and manicured toes

3 02 2014

Lick my Pushy!: rejected slogan for Push Pops in the 90’s.

– Remember how Wilson in Home Improvement always said, “Hidey-ho neighbor!” to Tim Allen? Well, if you replace the hyphen with a comma it really changes the meaning.

“Hidey, Ho neighbor. How about I just move on down to the hole in the fence over there and throw you a 20.”

– When the pilot turns off the fasten seatbelt sign they always recommend that you stay buckled in your seat just to be safe. Wouldn’t it be nice if, when the light went off, people just stood up and started mingling with each other until a 60’s dance party inevitably broke out?

“HI! I’m in 13F how about you???” “Right on! I’m connecting in Phoenix!”

– I want to establish an Arabic restaurant and call it The Middle Feast.

– I would love to watch a spinoff of The Bachelor that featured Johann Sebastian Bach called The Bachelor.

“Yo girl, I’m Johann. I like music and am looking for a woman that doesn’t get jeal when I spend time with my twenty children.”

– As always, NYC is a wasteland of unwanted and discarded Christmas trees that pollute  and congest the fine streets of this thriving boomtown.  If there is one upside, the piney freshness provides an excellent alternative for homeless men to piss in.

– I was in line at a Radio Shack the other day listening to a god awful Justin Beiber song over the loudspeaker that sounded like two robots losing their dignity. Noticing that Radio Shack has a system where you can control the music yourself and, seeing as I was in line anyway, I decided to stroll over to the machine and push pause. Radio Shack, previously filled with the sound of bullshit, was now extremely silent. After a welcomed break, I found the only song on their list I wouldn’t mind hearing: Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal.

The line recedes and it is my turn to checkout. The cashier, who happened to be an effeminate gay black man, took my credit card and noticed I hadn’t signed the back (as if that is what’s going to stop a criminal). He makes one of those faces like it’s a huge inconvenience and relates that Radio Shack requires me to now answer a bunch of questions confirming my identity. The man, noticing my subtle frustration, got a twinkle in his eye and says, “Ya know what though…..{whispers while maintaining eye contact} I can trust anyone that puts on Michael.”

thanks for the respect cashier, it meant a lot.

– Whenever I see a commercial and it flashes “actor portrayal” on the bottom of the screen I can’t help but screaming at the TV, “LIARS!!!!!!!!!!!!” I’ll bet those a-holes on the Lumosity.com commercials haven’t even been on the site. Aren’t you late for an audition you POSER!?!

– Is it just me, or has the plot device of the, “midnight snack” really fallen off in popularity? It almost seems that it was really popular in the 90’s when sitcom dads couldn’t sleep and would, for some reason, have to sneak into their own kitchen late in the night. Cartoonishly, this character would be eating something like cake or a turkey leg and would get caught by their significant other. It was always like, “Mitch! What are you doing down here??? It’s midnight!” [cue laugh track].

“I didn’t mean to wake you honey! Speaking of honey, I can’t seem to find it anywhere. [cue laugh track]”