skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”

find much to ponder upon in the characters here graven with a stylus of iron

– Hardee’s fast-food burger chain needs to man up and shell out the money to get Tom Hardy as their spokesman.

“I’m Tom Hardy, c’mon down to laugh heartily and have a hearty meal here at Hardee’s. Hardee’s: a place you’ll find Tom Hardy.”

– If you weren’t connected to wifi at the time, does meeting someone on Tinder still count as, ‘meeting someone on the internet’?

“We met on 3G and I haven’t looked back since.”

– I was at a bar the other day and asked a waitress that came to collect a drink for her table why she had a brace on her wrist. “Is it a fashion statement??” I asked slyly. Without humor, she looked at me coldly and said, “I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.”

You can find this fashion trend in the Spring Collection of being a bitch.

– I was boarding a moderately crowded train on my way to work this week and stood, holding a hand rail. As we pulled away, I got a whiff of someone eating beef jerky. I’m standing there thinking to myself, “DAMN, that smells goooood. Man, I haven’t had beef jerky in a while, ” and other thoughts of that sort. I begin to look around at the passengers to see if I can locate the cool dude eating beef jerky at 8:40 in the morning. For some reason, I can’t seem to find them.

As I stand longer and get more acclimated with my surroundings I realize that the beef jerky smell (super unique, you all know it) began to take on a more ominous tinge. I look to my left and discover that the previously delicious odor was emanating from a seemingly Native American man that passed out in a crouching position, occasionally rocking back and forth. There is a vacancy of passengers in a 4-foot radius of this vagrant and it was then that I understood, no one was eating beef jerky at all. The smell was merely this man’s skin caked with his own urine, cigarette smoke, sweat and BO. Illusions are a powerful thing, ladies and gentleman.

– What computers and cellphones are doing to the posture of the human race:

– De-tangling headphones while standing on a crowded subway car should be considered a form of public performance.

– I wonder if apple farmers and doctors get into beefs when they run into each other at bars?

“What’s this ‘apple-a-day-keeps-the-doctor-away’ HORSESHIT?? Are you TRYING to cripple my business model?? People NEED doctors, okay? I won’t have some two-bit, tree-hugging, slogan ruin my customer turnover ratio!”

– If I ever open a crematorium I’m definitely going to call it, No Bones About It.

– Everyone is always talking about Breakfast at Tiffany’s but has anyone ever seen Tiffany’s dinner menu? How about Happy Hour at Tiffany’s?

– There is a new show on TV called The Slap. The premise: Zachary Quinto is over at a friends BBQ and slaps the shit out of the host’s kid. The entire show is built around the fallout after the slap heard round the world. Let’s have some fun with rejected titles and taglines for this show shall we?:

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘If I Ever Looked at my Father That Way.”‘

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Every Dad Did Publicly To Bad Children Up Until 1992.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Wipe That Look Off Your Face.'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘What Did You Just Say?'”

“Zachary Quinto in, ‘Do You Have Any Idea How Much These Pants Cost?'”

“When Zachary Quinto comes over for a BBQ, there’s nothing he won’t SLAP! {insert montage of wine bag, high five, a small child}.

“He says they were ‘just practicing a new secret handshake,’ but what WAS Zachary Quinto REALLY doing … Find out at 9pm.”

– I got a phone call today telling me that my corporate American Express has been hacked and is being used for small purchases of gasoline in Columbia. I have about a 20 min conversation with this woman confirming my identity, she told me next steps, etc.

When it got to the part where I was to order a new card and give her my personal information she said, “You can tell me now, or, if you don’t believe that I am who I say I am, you can always call AmEx customer service.” It was at that moment I realized that this woman called me, showed me the illicit charges, and was asking me my personal info. She could very well be some kind-sounding thief, using fear and panic to pry vital info from the unsuspecting. How vulnerable did I feel?? Is this woman trying to steal from me too?? Who is she really? Was my card hacked or was that just a lie??

Needless to say I called customer service.