let’s play tennis around ten-ish

– I want to grow my beard and hair out and dress up like a modern Jesus with a topknot and hang around funerals, nodding at people in heavenly reassurance.

“Ya know Barbara, I can’t shake this feeling that at Jimmy’s funeral last week Jesus was there with us. He was in an Armani suit behind Uncle Jeff, vaping. Yeah, him.”

– At what point did it become common for people to take two Advil or two Tylenol? Perhaps the pills were too large at first and public opinion made the higher-ups cut the dosage in half? Maybe it’s just a clever mind game the aspirin marketers are trying to pull to sell more pills: “Even an idiot knows that just ONE doesn’t work, you HAVE to take TWO!”

and just like that, sales doubled.

– I went to an eye doctor today that told me she doesn’t have health insurance. Her logic, “I don’t get sick.” A doctor, said this. Tangential thought: I wonder if there are any blind eye doctors.

“Okay, tell me about what you can see. No, seriously, tell me about it.”

– When I’m standing on the subway, I like to look at the phone screen of the person sitting next to me in hopes that they notice me staring. Once they do, I make eye contact and nod at them in heavenly reassurance.

– Want to feel instantly better about your day? Read some of the pathetic YouTube comments on All American Rejects’ “Dirty Little Secret”. Here’s a nice sample from Octavia: “DLS: im broken.. im shatterd.. i feel worthless and i feel like all my friends hate me and are just going to end up backstabbing me..”

– Saying, “bless you” to a person wearing headphones really makes you realize that it is an antiquated formality.

– Hotels should provide you with an app upon check-in like Uber that tells you where your housekeeper is at any given moment. That way, you can tell them when your room is free and won’t have to be rudely awakened or disturbed while shitting at 10am.

“Rosalita is currently two doors away.”

– I’m creating a website where people can buy and sell equipment for their cats and dogs called pEtsy.com.

– Since Jesus was a carpenter, I wonder if he had to join a union or just got hired on a freelance basis. I wish there were archeological sites that touted, “Yep, and this petrified wooden staircase was built by Jesus Christ himself.” He probably was an accomplished carpenter but it would be funny if, for some reason, he wasn’t. Like, when Jesus would roll onto the job site the other tradesmen would be like, “Great, Christ is here today…looks like we’ll have to double check the structural integrity of his door frames. We can’t have a repeat of that Bethlehem job all over again. Nightmare. Seriously, does that guy not know what a level is??”

Jesus was a founding member of the “Nazareth Local 118”