as you’d expect we come correct

– “Fuckle Up!” – what I’m going to yell at my kids when we all get into the car.

“Aww, Daddy you just said the “F” wor…”                                                                                                                                 “I SAID BUCKLE-UP NOW, ROGER!!!”

– Extra strength Benadryl should be called “Power-dryl.”

– I wonder what real estate moguls think of graveyards? They must really get pissed off whenever they drive by a mass plot of acreage, covered by largely forgotten cement rectangles, knowing that the property value would be through the roof in about 15 years.

“Dear lord…..this would be a great place for an outdoor promenade! So close to the highway PLUS this area needs a Chipotle, like, now.”

– I wonder if John Cusack ever tells people that he has a, “cute-sack”?

– I want to start a marketing campaign for TempurPedic where, over the summer, they go to a bunch of different Elm Streets across the country and set up beds for people to test out. The tagline: “With TempurPedic, You’ll never have a nightmare on Elm Street again!” Sure, I have some legal issues to iron out but you see where I’m going with this.

“With TempurPedic, blood well never torrentially pour in a seemingly gravity defying column onto your ceiling.”

– I don’t have many games on my phone so one time I opened the calculator app to play a fun game of, “does Mike know his multiplication tables?” Let’s just say that game didn’t last very long.

Where do you adjust the difficulty settings?

– “This is where the calculated manipulation happens” – synonymous phrase for “this is where the magic happens.”

– I recently went to Medieval Times which was a lot like if Walt Disney threw an idea into the trashcan and an enterprising simpleton un-creased the blueprints and ran off to strip malls across the nation. A few things to note from my experiences in the realm.

1) There was a seemingly unrealistic number of six year old’s birthday parties at the 2 pm showing. Not five year old’s and not seven year old’s…six year old’s. A few forty-one year old’s and thirty-three year old’s were peppered in, but they were definitely the outliers.

2) To impart an heir of authenticity, no utensils are distributed for the entire 1/2 chicken you are provided thus making Medieval Times a terrible place to shake hands with someone.

3) You apparently do NOT have to sneak in your own bottle of hot sauce as the server claimed they, “have that.”

Spoiler Alert: the Red Knight gets slashed in the stomach but, somehow, is not disemboweled.

– How come there aren’t more ceiling fans made out of retro airplane propellers?

– It seems the one thing that would really benefit from a tracking number is an unborn baby.

“Would you look at that, my daughter just scanned into the second trimester. Right on schedule, honey.”