– If your birthday does, indeed, fall on April 1…I’m sorry but I will never wish you well. The risk of being embarrassed is too great.
– It bothers me when I am riding down in an elevator, it stops, someone walks in and pushes their floor but doesn’t push the door close button after. Not only have they interrupted my straight shot to the Lobby but also prolonged the already awkward experience of joining an elevator with a stranger. Let’s expedite this shit, shall we? Sure, push “3” then continue texting – don’t mind me.
– Thank you to the guy in the minivan that is parked IN a crosswalk for waving me on, indicating that I am, indeed, free to cross the street. That “Walk” symbol was confusing and alien to me, I had no idea what to do. Thankfully you were there to physically decipher it’s meaning.
– I feel like I used to have the nightmarish experience of wasps crawling out of my soda cans WAY more frequently than I do now. Ya know? You’d come huffin and puffin back from the ball-pit or the pool and all the sudden pure evil would be lurking in the shadows.
– I always find it funny how on cop dramas they spend their entire work day trying to solve a single case. As if the city of Seattle is SO overstaffed they can afford to have two detectives focus on just one crime.
– I was heading to meet a friend of mine late one night and she suggested we, “meet at the park.” Meet at the park?!? Bitch, it’s after midnight! “C’mon Mike, meet me at the park! It’s a full Moon and there is a really thick fog rolling in.” Maybe tomorrow she’ll suggest a nice cemetery, maybe a dilapidated wharf or perhaps an old, long-abandoned, house.
– These days, it seems, we have really turned domain names into much more digestible forms of speech. We say, “I got it on Amazon,” or, “I saw it on Netflix.” I’m gonna be retro and start saying things like, “I was researching on https://www.google.com/ and learned ALL about the Cambrian Explosion.”
– Sometimes, when big celebrities are ominously quiet, I wonder to myself, “……what are they planning??”
– I want my Tinder bio to read, “If All Dogs Go To Heaven than how did so many end up here??” Sadly, that would probably get me a lot of matches.
– I wonder at which point a famous chef makes the business decision to create and sell dog food. Kind of risky, don’t you think? Like, “well, I tried the whole cooking for people thing and, ya know what, I’d rather cater to those that can’t complain about me.” Rachel Ray famously has a line of animal food with her face on the front of the packaging. It would be nice if, at the end of her cooking show, she said, “…and that’s how you make Fettuccine Alfredo in 30 minutes! A great meal for you and the kids…and, what the hell, your dog can eat this too!”
– I want to own my own machine shop and name it Richard Gears.