people say these are the most crucial things in life

-When I break up with a girl, I’d like to communicate with her based on the social feature on Spotify. You know what I’m talking about? How people can see what songs you’re listening to?  First I’ll start off with things like, “She Fuckin’ Hates Me,”  “Master of Puppets” and, “Break My Stride” then slowly move towards, “I’m In Love With a Stripper,”  “Yes, I’m Changing” and, “Who Let the Dogs Out?”

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This theory can also work with titles on a shared Netflix account if I’m still on it. She’ll be like, “I don’t remember watching ‘Blacklist’ and ’10 Things I Hate About You’ recently.”

-I want to start a fashion show where the models are all sitting in the new line of clothing and the audience/paparazzi walks on the catwalk admiring the Spring collection as they briefly go past.

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did you see that cameraman’s Nikon? like seriously, bro? what is this? 2015?

-I have found myself in a few conversations recently where people will say that, they believe, their iphone is eavesdropping on their conversations and then targeting Facebook ads based on what is overheard.

For example, my friend and I were talking about a rental car agency that is app based, the next day he got an ad for the same service I was speaking of…even though I never mentioned the name.  Coincidence? Perhaps.

If such a looming digital presence is, in fact, real, how do they accomplish this? Is some guy somewhere with headphones tuning in like, “I wonder what shit Mike is talking about tonight in his living room? He needs to be fucked with tomorrow. Oh, great, he’s talking about spatulas…I got just the thing.”

I guess this odd social phenomena affects most everybody. Unless you speak in sign language, in which case, you’re safe. They haven’t cracked that one yet. #perksofbeingdeaf

If this was real, what kind of conversations are the advertisers having in their boardrooms? “Look, we know we need to promote our Spatulas on Spotify and Radio, but I also want a medium that’s as menacing as fucking possible….anyone have any ideas?”

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“wait, wait, wait. hang on. Mike just started talking about losing his Aux cord….add it to the queue.”

-Mergers and Acquisitions are making big companies bigger, effectively eliminating anything that stands in their way. I can see a fictitious news show one day reporting: “And in big news today, Hate has acquired Love for $1.3 Trillion in a move most investors didn’t see coming. We have Chuck Davis here from Love, Chuck, what does this merger mean for us? Can we still expect the same Love experience now that we know it is an affiliate of Hate? What does this mean for your brand?”

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Chuck: “Well Erica, we’re excited to announce that we’re re-branding this Spring and will officially be known as Lust. For all you Love supporters out there, don’t worry, we will be offering most of our same services, just a bit more in line with our parent company’s identity and mission statement. It’s exciting for us, Erica. It’s going to bring us to a new, younger generation.”

-When sending out a Facebook invite, some people blanket invite everyone whereas I purposely won’t invite people I know aren’t coming. I’m just tryna keep my stats up. I can’t have all my “Goings” see all the “Can’t Gos” and be like, “Hmm, do I really wanna do this?”

-I was in Miami this past weekend setting up some set pieces for an event at the Dolphins Stadium. Usually, when setting up these pieces I need to hire some labor guys to assist me putting everything in place. These labor guys are usually a bit rough around the edges, think of this one in particular like: truck driver/forklift operator/guy hanging around a home depot etc.

This guy overheard me saying that I live in New York and asked me what part I lived in. I told him and he quickly interjected, “Ohh, man, I go to New York like 12 times a year at least.” Surprised, I was like, “Really? Why’s that? Are you from there?”

To answer my question, the man made a diamond with his two thumbs and index fingers and then placed it over his crotch, symbolizing a vagina while saying nothing else. Humored and relatively disgusted by this man’s lack of tact I awkwardly replied,  “Yeah….yeah, I get that.” Not sure what the response should be to a guy that travels to NY a dozen times a year for ‘pussy’ but I think I handled it well.

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“Yeah, I’ve known this one lady up there for 10 years or so. No place like NY. To quote Lil Wayne, ‘My nuts hang like there aint no curfew,’ am I right, brother? You know how it is.”

– Can we talk about some bullshit? Let me set the scene: I go to an off-brand coffee house and pay with a credit card on an iPad. Once the chip has been read, the barista swivels the iPad to me and the screen asks if I want to tip. All the while the barista, a person that literally filled a cup with black iced coffee, stares on with a, “well, mother fucker??” stare. A few thoughts:

  1. If I had just paid cash, this little interchange would never have happened. No I’m not tipping you. I just want an iced coffee that you happen to have already in that pitcher. To me, it’s equivalent to a doorman flashing an iPad at me as he’s pulling the handle.
  2. Tipping is my prerogative but in this instance, under the watchful gaze of the coffee cashier, it feels compulsory. Waiters don’t drop off the check and stand there as you fill in the tip line and sign your name. They have the common decency of walking away and leaving you alone.
  3. The sheer pressure a consumer feels in those few seconds with the iPad is a mix of shame and indecision often leading to the inevitable, “well, fuck it. it’s just a buck.” Those bucks add up my friends.
  4. Lastly, I have to tip you BEFORE trying the coffee? Talk about a risky investment.

Remember this the next time you are put into this position and confidently select “No Tip” because there are other people out there that feel your pain.

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today is the day when the world declared in one voice: ‘We will not go quietly into the night!’ ‘We will not vanish without a fight!’ ‘We’re going to live on!’ ‘We’re going to survive!’
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skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”