skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”

melt yourself today

– Do blind people get tattoos? Think about it. If I was blind I would get SO tatted up with all the craziest shit I could imagine. Ya know, like Koi turning into Dragons, and race cars, and teardrops under my eyes just for fun. But logically a blind person has no idea what these things look like to begin with, so requesting it would be hard. Alas, it would be worth it.

If only I could see

– It is kind of funny to think that at some point in the day, Tom Cruise is taking a shit on some toilet, somewhere.

– Last night, my gf took me to Ruth’s Chris for my birthday. Anyway, we sit down at the table and the hostess places a card in front of me. I guess my gf notified them that it was a special occasion, so I opened the card. Inside is a hand written note from what appears to be a 12-year old girl. Chicken scratch with Ruth’s Chris stationary wishing me a happy birthday. Really Ruth’s Chris? You couldn’t have sprung for the printed cards? You have to make your idiot hostess from the Bronx write me a salutation? The food was good though.

Thank you expensive restaurant for making me feel GREAT!

– At the bank today I had to explain to a homeless man how to make a free Kuerig Coffee. He kept asking me, “Where’s the coffee? Where’s the coffee?” When I showed him the pod, he was in disbelief and couldn’t comprehend how it worked. At no point however did I question that there was a homeless man inside a bank.

“Ay man, they don’t got Splenda? Where’s the Splenda at? Help me out man.”

USMilitary Online : Be all you can be, from home.

– Facebook on your birthday is simply a reminder of all the people you’ve forgotten to delete. (jk write on my wall this week!)

– Facebook on your birthday is like a drug. You check your wall obsessively from the moment you wake up and the high builds as the day goes on. At midnight you begin to come down and pass out as a few stragglers share their belated wishes. The day after you are in a depression because your momentary celebrity status is a year away and all you want is that feeling of power again. Damn you facebook….damn you.

This cake substitutes the crushed bones of all those that don’t write on my wall for baking powder

– I watched a little boy cough about 18 times in a mans face on the train. The father of the little boy never interjected by saying he should cover his mouth. Instead he went on spreading his germs to the back of the strangers neck. I made eye contact with the man, the kind of eye contact that suggested we both wanted to kill the little boy. It was nice.

– The Library of Congress in Washington DC, contains 28 million books and has 532 miles of shelving. If you were driving at a constant 70 mph in a car it would take you just under 8 hours to pass them all. True dat American knowledge fact!!!

Great Song:

– I swear this is true: This fat latino woman on the train claimed she could talk her way into community college even though she had 2 B’s (when they require only one). Her friend said, “No, you won’t get in because you don’t meet the requirements.” To which the fat latina retorted, “Yes I can! I can talk my way into that. Someone that speaks as well as I do? You’re just trying to disencourage me.” Wow.

What happens when you get 2 B’s

– A while ago I saw a man on the train wearing a navy blue hat with the word, “MICHAEL” written in capital red letters. That got my attention.

– Sometimes I like to get caught checking ugly women out just to boost their self esteem. 

– This Week Mike Is: