skibbits on the frib-a-dibs

– I wonder if doctor’s ever awkwardly comment on people’s tattoos when they give physicals?

{inspecting nude inner thigh} “Oh my, that’s a nice tattoo you have there. Are those the teenaged mutant ninja turtles but as modern day hipsters?? Ha! Is Michelangelo drinking a Starbucks? That’s tooooo funny. {chuckles} I remember those guys, Raphael was a real ball-buster. Hey, listen, speaking of balls…what’s this bump ya got on here? Any aching or shooting pains?”

“I almost got a tattoo of a sliced avocado on my right arm. Didn’t have the confidence to go through with it. I have an obsession with guac, like, an OBSESSION.”

– One cool thing about Vampire lore is that they can only venture out at night. I always thought this was a relatively limiting and unfortunate fact about their existence but, now that I think about it, it’s not so bad. They can go to restaurants and bars, nightclubs, baseball games, see the fireworks on Fourth of July, work the night-shift and make some money. Actually, being a Vampire is pretty much like my regular life now that I think of it. They could, theoretically, work remotely from their coffin.

-Ya know how there are old family photos and portraits around the characters homes in movies and TV shows? I always think that, that day on set, must have been a fun one. Like, Matt Damon and Jennifer Lawrence put on white tank tops and jeans and went to the dunes for a photo shoot? That’s funny to me. “Okay, Matt. You lay down and Jennifer just uhhhhh…hold him like you’ve been married for 4 years. Look happy because this is going to be an important point of juxtaposition later in the film.”

“Okay, Bruce Willis…this is your family that tragically died in a plane crash. Look really, really happy and peaceful.”

–  While standing at a urinal next to someone I, for some reason, always get the urge to just turn my aim and piss on their feet. Mainly out of curiosity to see what they would do.

-New excuse if I’m ever late to work: “Oh, sorry, I got stopped by Humans of New York on my way in. Yeah, he asked me some questions about what, ‘scares me most’…he’ll post it soon. Anyway, what happened on that conference call?”

-Everyone that works at Apple has Steve Jobsecurity. *shout out to Matt G. for letting me steal this.

they also are entitled to WOZman’s Comp……no? anyone? too much?

-Whenever an ad comes on Spotify I always remove one earphone in an act of mild rebellion. They may be getting their message across BUT not exactly as they intended.

-A recent regret I have is tying my shoelaces moments after washing my hands. In that damp moment, it really hits home what they do all day.

-I went to the NY State Renaissance Faire this past weekend and, if you haven’t been, I can best describe the crowd aesthetic as, “Ugly Coachella” or, “Pregnant Women Smoking Cigarettes”.

On her way to the event lawn, Cameron was stopped by a fashion photographer.

– If you’re a man on his way to work and your wife beater if BLATANTLY visible under a button down and tie… you have failed.

– I wonder how many corny telescope operators refer to themselves as the, “paparazzi to the stars.”

“Trust me. Kim Kardashian’s got nothing on protoplanetary nebulae M1-92.”
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“i swing it like a bat but these balls are not wiffle.”

– I have recently decided that I hate eating in front of other people. You all know what I mean. People stare at delicious smelling food as if they were vampires ready to bite some unsuspecting virgin’s neck.

“Is that…..a chicken-broccoli pizza?”

– Recently I went to an “Underwear Run” party at a bar in NYC. 500 people ran for charity then boozed up in their underwear. For some reason no one at my office came with me. I’m like, “Seriously guys??? 250 women…in their underwear…drinking….” I guess hard nipples aren’t attractive to everyone.

work sucks.

– Sometimes I wonder if the voiceover of Outback Steakhouse commercials is in any way derogatory to Australian people. I bet you most Australians haven’t even set foot in the actual Outback much like most Americans have never been to Brooklyn or Hollywood.

Please take a second and check out my friend Shov’s awesome new track. Really experimental and smooth. You’ll like it:

-Howdy Audi: The car dealership of Cowboy’s everywhere.

“I think this one should be large enough to hold just about nothing I own.”

– Judy’s: New term for Jewish girls that are also cuties….Judy’s

– Recently, while sitting on the banks of the Monocacy River, I was enjoying the sun setting on a not too chilly afternoon. After a few minutes of positive reflection I come to realize the ground I am sitting on is INFESTED with what appear to be flying ants. Keep in mind, I was sitting on this soil and soon began to feel incredibly uncomfortable. These bugs were up my coat, in my shoes, on my coffee cup, on my dog…fucking everywhere. It was like a living nightmare situation. It went from being incredibly beautiful and serene to a living hell on Earth.

– I met an older woman on a meeting that asked me, “So, I know that you have to go to GoDaddy.com to create a website, is there a similar site for creating a hashtag??” I sat there, stone faced and said, “……………..n……no.”

“Did this send to my Instagram automatically?”

– Sometimes, I wish I was half as cool as Kurt Russell is.

– When I went home, for some reason, my Dad decided to buy buffalo chicken strips AND buffalo chicken pizza. Who the hell would want that and/or find that a well balanced meal??

“Dad, NOOOOOOOOOO!”

– On the train to work today I could hear some dude listening to just about every Sean Paul song ever created. His ear buds were so loud that “Temperature” is now stuck in my head.

– Have you ever seen someone and thought to yourself, “that person is disgusting”? I have.

and now, a rap from a vampire

This rappers name is Count D. Money. The tone would be a well produced rap with this song used as the sample:

You are what you eat so bitch im a blood

Poppin bottles of that shit late night at the club

Got chrome on fangs, tricks think im the boss

You know how much I spend a year on dental floss?

Im a pimp im a g im a downright ghoul

Transylvania cornrows are just fuckin cool

Im blacker than count chocula, you know dats a fact

DEA bust in they found a coffin full-a crack

Got spongebob on my cape and hos on my mind

So you bitch ass g’s know just how to find.

Count D Money in the bank, with the stacks, bitch im black

Biting virgin girls necks with those double D racks

Im hot on the scene got stereotypes to break

cause bitch I put garlic on my wooden stake.

I aint no bat but I suck a hos neck.

Leavin hickeys all night and leavin pussy’s a wreck.

Bitches step to me cause I’m a vampire –

I can’t see the sun hos think im a liar.

Nosferatu was my best friend

he and I would bang bitches on the weekend.

Can’t scare me with ya broke ass crucafix,

while I get my blood fix, then spit out a remix.

King of the Vam-pire Em-pire, I spit hot fire, rapper for hire!

– If a vampire was cramming for an exam, do you think they would tell their friends after, “Man, I took like four Adderalls and was up ALL daylight studying for this shit. Seriously, the moon was out and I was just getting to bed.”

My Circadian!